Dear Finals,

Go die in a hole. Slowly.

GO AWAY.

You are ruining my GPA and making my brain into an oatmeal like consistency, and I don't like it.

Love, Sarah

Gone

I am gone.

You might see me, sitting here on my bed in Boston...actually no one can see me. So if you see me, that's creepy, and I have more issues than I realized.

Regardless, I am gone. Mentally, I have checked out, and being here is officially agonizing. My energy towards being social is completely gone. I can't stand anyone, and in some ways, I'm not covering it up very effectively anymore. I miss being home, and 4 months is TOO long for me. I need to go back, to feel the sense of familiarity and belonging that is uniquely Kimberly Drive and uniquely Agoura and uniquely SoCal and uniquely...home. I need a hug from my mom, I need my coffee machine, I need my dog to sit on my laptop, I need my ipod coming out of my car speakers, I need station 7...I need it all. All of these things, they went from "want" to "need" very quickly, and I recognize that these next 11 days will stretch on interminably.

I'm so ready to return. I've pulled away from here in some ways, because I just can't be here anymore. I'm not unhappy, just in touch with where I am. I need a long separation and I need to get my energy back. I'm worn out in so many ways, especially mentally and emotionally.

The season is pulling me through. Even though this time is always very stressful for me, I refuse to let go of the sense of magic that it brings. You can't help smiling when it is cold but you are warm inside, and everyone and everything is glowing from within. It's just...it's truly the season to glow. I can't help but fall madly in love with this time of year.

I can't wait to glow all the way back to California and string the lights on the palm tree.

Peace.

Thanks

Homesickness.

It's one of those buzzwords that we use. "I'm homesick." Everyone should know what it means, and it means so much and so many different things that it's meaning is impossible to pin down. For me, it's incredibly tricky to define. My life is amazing at BU, here in NY, and often, a little less perfect when I am home. It's more real and more dysfunctional at home, and being home for more than a few days usually instigates a pull to leave again.

At the same time, I am terribly homesick today. It was a wonderful Thanksgiving, quite possibly the best I've ever had, with the intersection of family, welcoming, food, warmth, conversation, laughter, naps..I even enjoyed football. Sort of. I enjoyed complaining about people liking football. I was the only girl there, which I loved. I was comfortable and happy and smiling when I wasn't falling asleep. I was with my cousin Matt, who I consider one of my closest friends. It was just...easy, and right.

I almost chose to fly home at the last minute for Thanksgiving. That clearly was a decision I decided not to stay with, as I am writing to you from the Bay Ridge neighborhood of Brooklyn. All that awaited me at home was, frankly, unappealing: tense dysfunction, a family who doesn't really like me, awkward silences, and never enough food. I would have to face some of the problems that have been happening in California, and see people I'm not that enthusiastic about. It would have been extremely exhausting, on top of the exhaustion I have already undergone, and probably somewhat stressful. In the end, I made the right decision to visit in NY, I have no doubt about that.

But I still miss my home. It is where my heart is in many respects. I wouldn't say it's where I feel "most alive" or whatever people say about home, but it is where the people I love the most are. This is my first Thanksgiving away from my mom, my best friend, and even though we rarely have a really enjoyable holiday, she and I have always had each other. Even the year that my sister was in the hospital for Thanksgiving. Even the year that my parents had gotten divorced and my dad wasn't present at the table for the first time. Every year, it has been me and my mom, and that's the best thing.

I guess this stems from my fear that she and I are growing apart as I grow up, forge a life, and am so far away. I am so sure that I made the right decision to go away for school and make my own life, apart from the family I have on the West Coast. I have certainly come alive at Boston, on my trips to New York, at college. I am now the person I always used to WANT to be, and I'm really happy for the first time ever. It's just scary to have your life completely entwined with someone else's, but not be able to see them for so long. I get that 4 months isn't that insanely long of a time, and separating is natural, whatever...I guess that this is just my first taste of a very long separation, and it's surely taking some adjusting. I am not without love in my life or without support, and underneath my sadness, I'm happy.

I'm just a little sad right now.

In the spirit of the holiday, though, I must say what I am grateful for. Here goes.

1. Never wanting, no matter how bad things can seem

2. My family, wherever they may be. I can't even list how many times I heard "Come down, anytime, you are always welcome" tonight.

3. Friends, because they make life fun and funny

4. Who I am, and everyone and everything that has made me that way. Everything including my darkest moments, because I wouldn't be the person I love to be without it all. I know that whatever happens in my life, I have learned early in life how to be strong, and when it's ok to be weak. And that's the best lesson I ever could have learned. I'm admitting my weakness right, which is a mark of my strength in my honesty with myself. I'm learning to open my heart and get hurt more, which seems..stupid, but it's the only way to live without forgetting to feel. Maybe I'm being cliche right now. You know who would understand perfectly?

My mom.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for seeing me. I'm thankful for you, and I'm thankful that tomorrow, I will be ready to face the world anew.

The Storm Always Abates

Every storm has an end, no matter how hard it might be to see when you're being drenched in a downpour and all that is visible is the obscurity of the clouds around you.

You see me sitting here, a smile upon my face
The time has come but you know that it's not too late
There's been too many things, together we have seen
It's not too hard if we start to believe
And we're not gonna take anymore
Can we try to erase all the pain
So please

Show me a reason, give me a sign
Tell me the way we, fall out of line
Is it today or is it tonight?
We'll find, the answer to our life

This world is not at ease, we seem to hide the truth
Thinking there's only so much we can really do
It's up to you and me, to face our destiny
The jury's here so let's take the stand
And we're not gonna take anymore
Can we try to erase all the pain
So Please

Tell me why we have to cry
And not try
When there's so many things we can do
To help this troubled world start a new

I need a reason, I need a sign
There's no turning back I'm here by your side
Is it today or maybe tonight?
We'll find
The answer to our life
Show me the way, give me a sign
Tell me the way we fall out of line
Is it today, is it tonight
The answer to our life

Those are the lyrics to my favorite Backstreet Boys song since 2001, when Black and Blue came out. Not only is the beat insanely catchy, but the words are poetry in their message. The lyrics are vague and poppy, of course, but in the end, they are being somewhat philosophical about why we live, and in the end, it doesn't matter. Fate isn't here to carry us along for a journey; you make your own destiny, and the best thing you can do is work with what you have. Be proactive in your own destiny. Make your own happiness. There is nothing waiting to hand you your joy; you have to make joy, because the only thing that's easy is unhappiness.

This week has been hard. One of the hardest, which is remarkable, considering that I've had weeks spent in hospitals and courthouses, and days where I wasn't sure I'd live to see the sunset. I suppose that this week was completely dependent on me to sink or swim, and I'm still unclear as to which I chose. I hope I swam as much as I could, though there was quite a countercurrent. Regardless, Im still so grateful for every day that I wake up and am alive. It's funny, I pulled an all nighter last night, and I am slightly but expectedly delirious right now. I wasn't that excited about no sleep, but the thought also came to me that at least I was given the gift of being alive, the gift of being able to be awake and healthy and able to work towards a real future for myself. Every day that has crappy weather, when I look awful, when I'm feeling homesick, when people are being annoying..is still a day that I was given. I can choose to be sad and irritated and angry...or I can choose to rejoice that I am here to feel, to love, to learn. I get frustrated when people waste their time on things like constant complaining or on doing things that aren't good for them, good for others. I know that I can't tell people what to do...I just wish that I could. Life is so short, and you only get one to live!

WHY ARE YOU WASTING IT?

Happy Thanksgiving, world.

Keep Holding On

http://music-mix.ew.com/2009/10/09/glee-exclusive-keep-holding-on-avril/

This expresses me now more than words ever could.

Once again, thank you for the music. And thanks, Glee.

In Confidence

What an interesting weekend. It was...so strange. Friday, a partying mood turned into hilarious disgust, wanderlust, and a kind act. Saturday proved stereotypes to be based in truth, that nothing ever lives up to it's hype, and that friends are the greatest late at night. Sunday, today, brings frustration, surprise, and the realization that at the end of the day, that you have to be your own champion...the confident swagga has to come from within.

A very strange weekend, only fitting for one beginning with Friday the 13th.

I lost my mojo today. For a little while, I mean. It's not gone, it's quite back, but it takes work to maintain. I don't know if that is true for everyone but it is true for me. And I love the people who are here to remind me.

So, a bit on confidence. I'm generally thought of as very confident...probably because I'm very assertive and love talking to strangers. And I am, but I'm still human, and I still have insecurities. I guess what I've realized is that no matter who you are, no matter if you are a quiet wallflower or the biggest egoface on the planet, confidence is a slippery slope. With the smallest impetus, one can lose their confidence, an immaterial object that enjoys tricking us into a false sense of security. For true confidence, not arrogance, you have to be fully honest with yourself on your shortcomings AND your strengths. Arrogance is NOT confidence, because a confident person would never put someone else down to make themselves feel better-they don't need to. Arrogance is used to cover up what you see in yourself as failure, and to build a wall between you and the world. Confidence reveals the best in our true selves like a painting. The most confident among us are inclusive because they are secure in who they are, kind because they don't need to be self centered, and friendly because it's a joyful give and take. And they often don't understand youthful "social norms", for those are so often driven by the abundant insecurities of our generation.

These are the people I want around me, and this is the person that I always want to be. Whatever gives you confidence, do it, because you will become a person that makes the world a little brighter. And in a world as dark as our own, don't we need more of you?

Friday the 13th

So.

Tonight, I went out, 100% planning to go to a party and blow off steam. I haven't been out to a party in so long, and I was feeling like I deserved it, for whatever reason. Well...to make an embarrassing story short, I went to the party and it was closed and I called a friend inside but he denied me access...I was incredibly embarrassed. My cool fascade, my mask of perfect confidence, had suffered a severe blow. This seemed to be an irrecoverable offense against my status as a "cool" individual. I was wallowing, I will admit, in my self proclaimed embarrassment.

We crawled over to a friend's dorm to see what was happening...it was hot and smelly, and Kate and I left. It was what happened next that made me smile ear to ear. We were walking by the sports bar where the athletes of BU are known to hang out, and we saw the two hockey captains arguing with this random drunk guy about the color of a bracelet...what the heck?

The second piece was what made my night, what made the last minutes of my Friday the 13th incredibly unusual and truly special. Kate and I saw a girl crying in the hallway, and we were both thinking the same thing: how can we cheer her up? That's not fair for any girl on a Friday night, to be alone in her sadness. So we made up a pack of Twizzlers and jelly beans, and gave it to her...her friend had shown up, and thought we came to complain about the noise. We gave it to her with as little fuss as possible...in the end, I'm not trying to self glorify. If we hadn't come home early, we would not have seen that girl, not had a chance to do a small selfless act. Really, I went to the party for a selfish mean, and I got turned away in the best twist of fate. I hope we cheered her a bit. In the end, I think it did more for me than for her.

This day isn't unlucky at all.

How to Live

I was talking with my mom last night after a friend told me that she isn't coming back to school after this semester. I was already emotionally and physically exhausted, so being hit with this reality was almost too much to bear. When I was talking to my mom, she was saying how good it is that I am so different. And, I really am. College is not about conformity, but about change. You can either become who you think you should be, numbing yourself to your own voices, shouting that are more than you think...or you can change into yourself. I have changed a lot since high school, appropriately. I am still swimming against the current, and more strongly in many ways. And I'm happy. I'm bubbly, as people call it, and that comes from real joy, as I often have trouble projecting an image of myself that is not true. I wear my emotions and where I'm at in life right on my face, I guess.

But freaking out last night...I realized why I can still be happy, even when I'm being different from the norm. I was raised to love who I am, because who I am is never wrong. I have strong morals, strong beliefs, and what I love is to make others happy. I have the confidence of a heart that is in the right place, so I don't have to question what makes me happy. You could die in a month, and knowing that I might not be staying at BU, and seeing first hand how changeable life is, has prompted me to live my life like I have a brain tumor. Each day is a day I would be proud to call my last. Everything could be lost like the snap of a finger, and not cherishing and LIVING each day is spitting in the faces of God and the people who love you. You were given the gift of existing, and your only job in repaying that gift is to live by striving for joy. That can seem so impossible in the darkest moments, but speaking from someone who has lived under a blanket, refusing to move for years, I can tell you that the brightest side is so difficult and so worth it.

As Cara would say, I'm wearing my encouragement hat today.

Demons

Everyone has an opinion on how to face their demons. Some think it's better to face them head on as they come, slaying them like dragons in a King Arthur tale. Others avoid their demons, preferring to not think about them in hopes that they will fade from consciousness. I prefer to face my demons when I need to, to help people that feel the same way. It is the human condition to sometimes feel alone in our struggles, as if no one else feels and experiences the exact same things as us. That is never true, however. Kurt Vonnegut said it best, "Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people don't care about them. You are not alone.' "

In such an academic, affluent school such as mine, it can be easy that people are affected by the hardest of issues. Here, there are people who have struggle with eating disorders, financial hardships, disease, death, and violence. I have struggled with violence on more than one occasion in my life, and it is one of my ghosts, haunting me in my quiet moments. I fill up my days with small joys so I don't have to reflect on the hard pieces of my life, but I am also realistic about facing what I have been dealt.

And I want to use that. It is important to me that I act to my best ability, so that I am doing the best I can to spare others from the things I have seen, the things I've experienced. I felt like Superchild in high school, I did it all, and in college, doing that is less than easy. I guess I just got tired of watching the goals and passions of others being realized while I hung out and was...jealous. I'm now working with our Women's Center on campus to fight back. My demons are not something I'm willing to allow to steer my life. Domestic violence is my issue, and fire is in my heart.

Finally, I truly hope, I will be making a difference.

Heroes

Truly, nothing calms me down than beautiful acoustic music. A few strings on a guitar, and I feel everything tense within me just...settle.

I've had a few anxieties as of late, about "the future" and about school, such normal things that college students typically deal with. I find it quite easy to Ce La Vie, but not in a resigned way. I am actively enjoying my life. For a girl who often finds herself overwhelmed by her own head, it's actually a struggle to relax, if that makes any sense. I'm just finding the things that give me joy, or even just bits of happiness, and I stick with them. For me, it really is that simple.

Halloween was yesterday, meaning today is 364 days till the next one. I think November 1 may be my most favorite day of the year, then. I'm not a huge fan of the "college halloween", though my costume was great..Amelia Earhart, one of my personal heroes.

Just in case you were wondering, my personal heroes are:

Amelia Earhart, for her courage and persistance at a goal that was literally impossible.

Grace Kelly, for her ability to have incredible grace under pressure, and to be able to always be a lady, even being polite would be irrelevant to most people.

Dolly Parton, for her humor and ability to ignore the naysayers and the negative people all around her, even when it was so difficult to do so.

And, my mom, for raising me to be so quirky and unusual. It's not always easy being different, but in the end, I'm happier this way.

Anyways...I am trying to not live with regrets, but it's tough sometimes. I think about things I could have done differently, or better, constantly. But I'm human and I'm learning and FINALLY I am actually changing myself in accordance with the learning..it's like, you learn something in your head, and you know it, but a piece of you refuses to take it in totally and adapt but I am doing it now. So proud of myself. I'm opening myself up more! Not that I am super sharing girl, I'm just emotionally more open. And, yeah, that means more vulnerable. But I'm not afraid anymore. I can't be, because I want connections and I want love and maybe someday...I want to be in love? Oh boy that's a big step. Let's go one day at a time for now.

Also, I love my room. I felt like sharing that. It's the perfect amount of space for a single and it's bright and clean and cluttered in a homey way. I do not like the laundry in the corner. Go away! Clean yourself!

I must adjourn my post for today. No deep social observations this time around.

Although, look for this week's social conversation: girls. Why are they so nice when they don't know you but they know your suitemate? Also, why is everything a threat? And why do girls want to look sexy but have an excuse to not be labelled...promiscuous? I think this week will be a series on the girl psyche. Look out!

Light

There's a very bright, very white light shining on the Charles River from the middle of the BU bridge. It's incredibly noticeable against the inky blackness of the dancing water and the muddled skyline. In a perfect way, it is illuminating the darkness in an impossible fashion. The reflection on the water is almost as bright as the light itself, taunting it, speaking to it's impenetrability.

That water is me.

Sometimes, I worry that I keep nothing a secret. So many know so much, and that idea barely appeals to me. Even as blog topics continually floated into my head this week (and I have many ideas, so stay tuned), I thought, am I too available? Do I give every part of me away in some public free forum?

The answer, simply, is no. I give almost nothing away. Many people could probably recite my activites, my day's actions, my interests, because I share those things with fervor, stories are recited with gusto, etcetera. I love sharing of my surface bits like it is my job. My inner parts, my secrets...those come out rarely. I only am friends with those I feel I can trust, yet even then, I am hesitant to open up in a deeper way. Through my life experiences, I have unconsciously been taught to fear and avoid hurt at any cost, and trying to not be a completely closed off person is a constant struggle. I have to actively remind myself to trust, to love, to give. Even still, I often resist. No one person knows everything about me. Like every human, I am multi faceted.

Sometimes, I fear unpredictability, the unknown, yet I am the epitome of the unpredictable. I have no idea what I'm doing or how to do it, how to live "correctly". I'm just trying to follow my heart and mix in a bit of my logic, and I feel that I can't be led completely astray that way. There are things that are missing from my life, yet I feel a complete picture, with room for addition. Though I don't have it all, I don't feel that anything is imperfect. I feel as whole as I can.

And part of that, of living? Is letting people in. It is one thing to ignore your fear, and quite something else to absorb it all and act anyways, to love without holding back and to dream with everything you have, as Martina McBride says. I can do that. Slowly, I'm learning.

Looking at the light out of my window a little longer, the waves that lap up in the river allow for a bit of the light to shine slightly into the water, below the glassy surface. It's a perfectly rare occurrence, though. I think it's best that way.

Focusing on the paper I have at hand is escaping me, so I decided to focus on this entry, and hope that writing continues naturally from here.

As I hope that my life continues naturally from here.

I have much swirling about in my mind, as usual. Today was a beautiful day, and any weather change always gets my brain stimulated, in a way. I am so content here, and nothing about that has changed. I am working hard for myself, and really, that's the only way that I will succeed. The city is bright tonight, and the view from my window is modestly breathtaking, as I like it. If I turn my head away from the skyline, out the other window, I look upon the thing I want the most but cannot have. How is it that I finally find someone, someone compatible and really unusual and sweet without being saccharine, and I may not have them? It is a cruel irony for anyone to face, but it seems that it is crueler in my case. May I only be allowed one or two happinesses at a time? I feel that there must be a rule or something. And, in the end, are some born to deserve romance, and others may never have it? I suppose I am full of questions that have no answers. I'm just so tired of unrequitement, I really am. Maybe, I just need to fix myself.

Maybe I just need to get out more.

Snowflake Me

Things about me that matter right. now. :

I finally have confidence in my intellectual self again.

I feel very loved.

I'm in love with a guy who is completely off limits.

I'm fully opening my heart up for the first time...ever.

I know what it feels like to have family, lots of family, that cares.

Shakespeare is officially one of my favorites.

And being snuggly, especially with people you love around, is the absolute best feeling on earth.

Today was the first snow of the season, a big, beautiful, blizzardy mess that swirled around us. It's very unexpected and startling, but to me, in a wonderful way. And that's what life really is when it all comes down to it, right?

Inappropriate Excitement.

A part of my new view on life is to really push myself into doing things that are out of my comfort zone, because, for good or for bad, you will learn something when you do. And, you know, probably have fun. Even if you don't, I feel like trying something really uncomfortable won't really be regrettable, because there is accomplishment in doing something atypical.

So, here I am, in my cousin's "big, gross party house" as he calls it. And it really is, complete with inappropriate artwork and wood floors that seem to creak of their own volition. His window is currently, and always, open, leading the room to be a brisk 35 degrees at all times, a problem when you share a bed with a chronic covers-stealer. No doubt, I'm here to see my cousin, and that's what's most important to me. He's the big brother I never got to have, and I'm lucky to have him in my life. It's just been an interesting day thus far, being thrown from a place I am so well known and comfortable at BU, to coming here, where I am completely out of my element. Thankfully, everyone has been really friendly and I'm not drowning in my own awkwardness.

This week was disgusting, and all of my work isn't even done. I suppose this is due date time, if you divide the semester into approximate thirds. That math actually works out beautifully. Anyways...life is overwhelming and wonderful right now. There is never a dull moment, yet I am working my butt off to balance it all and get good grades. Which is starting to take a slight toll on my academic confidence...I really have to work so hard to get any kind of good results, and I feel like my classes aren't traditionally difficult. I even thought I'd finally settled on a solid set of career goals, but then I was listening to Jess talk about what she plans to do postdoctorate, and the doctor dreams began to creep in once more. I used to be so decisive, until the decisions really started to matter. What ridiculous reverse psychology...unlike most college students, for whom sophomore year is something of a "nothing" year, this year will change my life, determine my future...Overwhelming, but wonderful. I should be scared out of my mind, but I'm honestly just ready to work hard and get to the next step but enjoy every split second on the way. Go figure.

The Zen of Money

I'm starting a new blog that I am really excited about, called

studentfinancialservices.blogspot.com

It will consist of contributions from students that I know and that I don't know, sharing their financial struggles in getting through college. I am trying to both expand upon and break the college stereotype of the "broke college student". College culture, as it is often changing, is quite underground, and I think exposing the financial aspect is both appropriate to our current world and important. College kids owe it to themselves to show everyone else that they really live up to being the smartest people, the most current, the most advanced, yet we struggle like everyone else too. For many of us, college is not a bubble.

The blog is a creative outlet for people to share their frustration, delight, anger, and opinions about the thing we both love and hate: money. College is a time of very low income and very high expense, and it's vital that the world see that we are nowhere near oblivious, carefree, or unburdened about the source of our tuition.

This comes directly out of personal struggle. I may have to leave the school I have fallen in love with, to be educated somewhere more affordable. College flies in 4 years, and having to be a freshman all over again will be a burden I do not look forward to. I know that I will be happy where I end up...but money, and the problems it may bring, have been shoved into my face as of late, and this seemed the most constructive way to use my English major and rid myself of frustration. I already feel at more at peace as the blog launches. Updates, coming soon.

A lot like Love

As I spooned Natural super chunk Skippy into my mouth (recommend!), my friend and I were talking about the statistic that 95% of Americans lose their virginity by the age of 25. I find this crazy for no other reason than that I am almost 20, in less than half a year (though who's counting), and for that statistic to be true for me, I'd have to fall in love in 5 years.

That's epic soon.

So anyways, we kept talking, and she told me that she feels that she is falling in love with her current boyfriend, and I told her that that is scary to me. I could NOT imagine being in love at this stage in my life, period. Part of it, of course, is that this is a selfish time in my life, and part of it is that I'm not even dating anyone right now, so that idea is entirely abstract to me. More so, however, the idea of love scares me. I have a big heart and I love a lot of people, often entirely too quickly and fully and easily. It's in my nature to let people in...as friends. Beyond that, I find it too difficult. Being in love with someone, properly at least, requires not only letting them into your heart, but giving them a piece of yourself. Love is a big step, to be cliche, and falling in love, which I believe can only happen with full trust and a truly open heart, is a risk. It is sort of like that team building exercise we have all done at retreats where one person falls and another catches them, to teach absolute physical trust. It's like doing that...but with your heart, with your soul, even.

I can't imagine trusting someone so completely. I am bottled up in many regards, and opening myself so fully to one person...that's giving them a lot. I admire those who feel like they can give of themselves so fully at such a young age, and who have found someone for whom that risk is worth.

And, as for me? I'll be ready. Someday, maybe.

Prizes

I went to CollegeFest today with a few friends. It's like a big convention for college students in our area, it gets people from all over and Hellogoodbye was playing so we went. I got a bunch of free stuff and took a photo with the band so all in all, success.

One thing has been bothering me, however.

There was an MTV Spring Break-esque contest on the main stage that involved two strangers making out with each other to win...something. The main stage was near a hair products booth, which was pushing a new men's hair gel that was infused with pheromones to get women into bed. That's literally what the advertisement said.

I'm curious, and a little offended, and mostly confused. Is this what my generation has evolved into? It is something of a devolution, a breakdown in social protocal and even a sense of decency..or privacy.

We have completely, utterly, lost our sense of privacy. Our entire lives are the right of the public to view, influence, and view again. No one has secrets anymore, or even just the ability to be a private person, without a good deal of effort on their part to maintain closed doors. It's impossible to have your "business" not advertised, since we are so hyper social, between texting and facebooking and gmail and every outlet we have to express ourselves and build relations..and share. Share every part of ourselves, like we have nothing to keep within, to keep to ourselves, like we are public property, like equipment for Public Works.

Well, I don't want to be a traffic cone. If I must be a part of this world that is a nonstop Twitter feed of live updates and TMI and friendsfriendsfriends on your video chat screen, then I prefer to be a yield sign. Be as involved as much as you want in the social matrix, and involve me as well. I am not oblivious to the world that my generation has created, nor do I refuse to dwell within it. I am an avid texter and love sharing photos on facebook. However, I also choose phone calls over any quick email and would rather walk to a person to see them than IM them from my empty dorm. Maybe the world takes more effort now, to keep up, to be a real part. I guess I just feel that there are some things that must always be kept private, so that we not accidentally give away every part of ourselves to the rest of the world, until we have nothing left for ourselves.

Personally, I don't make out with anyone, let alone in public, let ALONE a stranger. I think romance comes of moments that don't happen everyday, and if we cease to allow our moments to be special and unique, we cease to have our dreams for them to happen. What motivation do we have to look for the special seconds in our lives, if we never make anything special to begin with? Life is difficult, it is fleeting, and it is not designed to give us pleasure for nothing. It is our responsibility to look for the beautiful, the amazing, and the different in our moments, because no one else is going to do it for us. I hope that my generation has not completely lost their sense of wonder amidst the brutality, the bitterness, that is our sense of instant satisfaction, gratification for pleasure's selfish sake, and the general roughness that often surrounds us.

I do not wish to return to a softer time. I wish to take away the fear and anxiety and early growing up from my own time.

My final success from CollegeFest? I got a little inspirational sign. It says "Dare to be naive." Dare to be naive. Dare to be trusting. Dare to like, to love. Dare to be fearless. Dare to save your pieces for someone, for something, for yourself, for a time when it matters to be a revelation. Dare to give yourself some value. Dare to have a voice. I did.

Puzzlement

You know what I was thinking?

I don't really fit perfectly into any label.

I'm too stubborn and rough to be girly.

I'm too serious to be a dude.

I'm too in love with clothes to be a tomboy.

I'm too in love with nature to be delicate.

I'm too clumsy to be considered graceful.

I love to dance too much to care.

I'm too American to be fully Arabic.

I'm too Arabic to love hot dogs.

I'm too smart to not care.

I'm not smart enough to make school my entire life.

I'm wealthy enough to be very comfortable.

I'm not wealthy enough to be able to not think about it.

I love rain too much to love a desert.

I love the beach too much to leave CA for long.

I am a ridiculous paradox and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

listing to one side

I am posting a list here instead of finishing up my essay.

...because I am in denial of my essay, love lists, my cousin isnt answering his phone, and feel like sharing.

Things I miss

1. far off friends

2. aforementioned cousin, along with a couple others

3. my home-bed

4. unlimited Trader Joe's snacks

5. the fancy coffee maker

6. my bloofle/dog

7. the sunrise over the mountains

8. 10 minute away favorite place

9. the stars

10. strawberry preserves

11. tacos

Things that are keeping me alive

1. closer friends

2. my classes..truth

3. dancing

4. unlimited amounts of ill gotten tea

5. Glee and Top Chef

6. this Indian summer

7. prospects. hopefulness.

What I am, currently

1. happy

2. with bangs

3. the therapist

4. content with myself...finally!

5. busy buzzy bee

6. on beat

Things I am living by

1. each day not getting hit by a truck is a gift

2. someone tackling you hurts

3. avoid getting tackled

4. smiling is good, but it's ok to scowl if you feel like it

5. always allow to be surprised

6. seasonal parties and parties for no reason WIN

7. dopamine is your friend, don't suppress

8. there's always more to know

9. laugh. at yourself, at others, at yourself.

10. falling in love isn't...a total...myth...

11. skirts + wind = no

Love early, love often, and write it all down so you never forget.

Office Space

"True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. " ~Dave Tyson Gentry

That is my favorite quote about friendship, since awkward silences are such a large part of my existence, it seems. I have spent years grappling with the void that is silence, if I should fill it or let it be, think more or speak more...and a friend really is someone I can say everything to, yet can say very little because that is all that I need, their understanding transcends language.

Friends are a slippery sort of thing to understand, I suppose. They are obligated to do nothing and everything all at once, and the way we see ourselves is reflected and dramatized to an incredible degree in the friends that we choose. If I may be flip, I choose attractive, confident friends because I believe myself to be attractive and confident. In all seriousness, however, I must admit to doing something unkind to every friend that I allow in my closer confidence. I will admit it here and, perhaps, never again, and this is to be taken with utmost weightiness.

In the office that is my brain canals, I file. I file my friends and put them into categories. I apply post its to them, write notes in their margins, and keep detailed scribblings on our relationship like some insane executive assistant (a secretary, to those who never moved past the 1970s political correctness movement.) I would never say that I prioritize my friends, or assign them labels past "acquaintance" and "friend", which is an important difference.

But I do annotate, and with great attention and frequency.

For you see, I must adjust myself in accordance to the friend, for we are not all alike.

Some notations make me a little sadder than others. "Unreliable" or "too busy for own good" usually means that I must not expect plans or much attention from this person, though I love them for the time they can give. "Gossipy" means my confiding slips must be kept to a minimum. "Immature" means that I must dismiss much of their behavior upon observance.

There are good notes, of course. "Amazing listener" means that I have found a kindred soul with whom to ponder life. "Protective" is a newer one for me, and one I am coming to appreciate more and more, as having someone go out of their way to ensure your safety and comfort is very high on the list of being accepted fully and with love. "Inclusive" is one I feel safe to say I give a majority of my friends, for I only keep files on people I have in my life, and I choose not to keep those that take away from me...in the cabinet. That's a self saving method I have learned recently, and it has made me even more grateful for the files...the friends...that I have now.

Usually, I don't openly admit my inspiration for an entry, no matter how transparent it might be. I feel that a reader seeing my process disrupts from the thoughts of the content itself, but for this entry, I must digress from this pattern. I was inspired by a friend tonight, appropriately enough. I name no names, but this friend...it's been a very interesting and rapid friendship curve from the beginning of the school year. I saw in this person a great desire for a friend and confidante, and I am always happy to oblige someone who wants that. Friend A has proven to be an amazingly good friend in every way, save for one, which I have just recently realized. Friend A is entirely too busy to live A's own life without complete insanity, so having friends is another addition to the madness. I am learning to not be upset about cancelled plans, not sigh over the inability to hang out in any reasonable manner, but accept the amazing person for who they are and savor the moments I get. And to stay busy myself, as to not feel completely misused, like some sad Troll doll.

And, above all, I am thankful for the gift of each person, for whatever gifts they each give to me. I hope that I give back to them in the best ways.

Just don't

I hate assholes. I can't behave myself at all around them. They are the kryptonite to my politeness and my exception to every rule.

Because

What gives you the RIGHT to act like you are so above everyone else that you can be snide and condescending without consequence? What god came down and appointed you supreme director of the world, of my life? Or did you just decided that you could treat people like less than ants, because you just felt like it?

I might be ranting but..if you want to see another side of me, not the emotion-rich, perky, outgoing, happy go lucky girl that most people see, then just be an asshole to me or to someone I love. Just a warning, I don't do well with keeping my mouth shut.

Hopeless

I was born in the wrong era, for I am a hopeless romantic. I don't get it. I don't understand the culture of my generation. Why do we share our physical selves, and thus, bits of our souls, in a bout of spontaneity and possible intoxication? This intoxication may build off substances, exhilaration, surroundings, perhaps the air itself...which may link back to substances... But I joke in a serious matter. Do my peers swiftly enact their carnal desires for a quick "dosing" of serotonin, like some sort of recreational drug? Perhaps it makes them feel accepted, or attractive, or dangerous. And I am no sea slug, immune to the siren call of my own desires. I am human and driven by my instincts as much as by my own intellect, but my intellect seems to want to drive my instincts unrelentingly. I can't help feeling that a burst of physicality is nothing close to what I want. That kind of closeness, intimacy, I can only help but want to save for those I am close to, those I am willing to give a part of myself to. Because it is a piece of yourself, that kiss or whatever it is, no matter how immune you might feel to its connective power. I cannot kiss someone and then walk away without exchanging a very small piece of myself with them. These moments are not fleeting, unimportant cracks in our lives; these moments are the parts of exchange we have when we are so close to someone that we want to share it in a very heterosexual way.

I just wish everyone could see the specialness in it.

Torn

Maybe I made a grave mistake. I came back, and maybe that was the wrong choice. I didn't think I'd fall so completely in love with being here and I am seeing that it is going to be so incredibly painful to leave. I know that I can't really think about it at this point, and I have the whole year in front of me, but I an already feel the sense of being ripped away too soon. My plan was never to transfer...I remember that being suggested to me, and I said that I would NEVER transfer.

I guess you never know what's going to happen.

Oh, Again

I'm back to the familiar comfort of worry. I am always worrying, especially when I am not excited about something. And I am excited about something, I am very excited about returning to BU and all that that holds. That happens Saturday and that is only a few days away...and thank goodness. It could not come sooner. I am so happy to be allowed another year, to get a second chance. That's what it feels like...going back feels like I've been given a second chance that I really don't deserve. Now it comes down to worrying about going back. It seems like a viscious circle...worry, excitement, worry...etc. Now I'm worried about my grades, of course, and also about my time. I got a job out of my work study grant...which is great, except that my mom doesn't even care. The money will be mine to keep. And I found a job that sounds like a lot of fun, as a production assistant, but I am also worried about having enough timing to do it all. It would only be a couple hours per day. What am I worried about? Well...that's adding on top of classes, homework, my radio show each week, being a tour guide, and Lebanese Club. If that works out. Oh and a job, that idea is stressing me out. But I want to be earning money, if the man will keep me on, and this production assistant business looks reasonable. I'm not really that concerned.

Wait, what?

I guess I just like to worry. Not like it but...it's what I do and I'm quite good at it. But I will figure it out, figure out if I want to work and it will all fall into place. I already promised myself as much. 

Pierced

I got my tragus pierced today. It wasn't something I was really planning to do, though I have wanted to since I was 15. I was just with my best friend and I went for it...I was impulsive, something that doesn't always characterize me. And yeah, if you're wondering, it hurt for a second, and it aches now...but it's so worth it. I'm so happy.

The worst part of this good thing is my mom's reaction. She basically slammed her door in my face and was really angry. I understand that she didn't want me to do it, but I had been talking about it so much recently, she had to have known that it was something I was thinking about. Does she really think that I put a hole in my ear to hurt her? I don't go out of my way to hurt her feelings and this was no exception. I hate that she is giving me the silent treatment right now, but in a way, I understand.

But it's my body.

You must understand, I didn't pierce my ear to rebel or get back at my mom or anything. I just think it looks neat. The hole is tiny, so if I wanted to take it out, I easily could, and it would be unnoticeable. I went to a good place, I thought about it, and I went with my best friend. I have no regrets, except the soreness I'm experiencing now.

I did this for an entirely different reason. Yes, it was chiefly because I like the way it looks...it's small and subtle so not everyone will see it right away, but it's still pretty. I also did it because it's pretty unexpected. I guess like a lot of people, I feel like I am constantly being shoved into this mold. My personal mold is that of the straight edge...I'm tamer than ANYONE I know that is my age. I wish I were exaggerating, but I'm not at all. I had two very weak drinks my entire freshman year. I kissed one guy, and really, he kissed me, and it was my first kiss and it lasted like 20 seconds. I didn't smoke anything, I didn't do any drugs, and I barely missed a class. I attended more movies than parties. And I'm not unhappy about that. I like waking up and being ok with my previous night, and I like just living healthfully. I just wanted to put this hole in my ear for myself, for aesthetics, and partly, to do something a tiny bit unexpected. I can't always be what people want me to be, or think I am. I guess I just don't want to fall into a pattern of my own design.

oy

my cousin is reading every college ranking and category out loud to me at 2am
so that's happening

No white knight

I FIGURED IT OUT.

Myself, I mean. I figured myself out. Ok so I always said I don't know what I believe, but I don't think that I believe in love...love seems so. Eh. And I just always kept myself so protected all the time and every guy I met became my friend and nothing more and I just got so TIRED all the time and nothing mattered, romance was a distant idea that happened to other people but never to me BUT NOW I UNDERSTAND.

I always thought..no, knew, that love was possible and real and something that happened. I always just thought of it in the abstract, never something personal that could actually happen to me. I didn't realize it until now, but I just honestly did not think about anything actually coming true for me and THAT'S why I felt so alone and so jaded. But I get it now. And I don't think it's impossible for me, though I can't pretend that all my walls have been torn down in a matter of minutes. 

But, for me, and for every girl out there, this is what I really believe:

Chivalry is not dead. It just has an ulterior motive.

(He's opening that door because he was actually raised well...or he thinks you're pretty. Or a little of both.)

Romance is not lost. You just have to have enough hope to really believe in it.

(So proven)

Magic is real. Just don't look to disprove it, and it will overtake your life. 

(I have managed to never lose my sense of wonder. I find magic in too much, because being amazed has never hurt me, while refusing to believe is never pleasant.)

Sure, it's lovely to be taken care of and feel rescued, but that is always your own responsibility first, and a luxury when someone else is willing to help you. As I get older, I realize that you will be treated as you demand to be treated. I understand the male brain very well, and girls that think I'm sad and mistaken and destined for loneliness...they don't get it, yet. I hope that they do someday. Do whatever makes you feel amazing...and I'm not going to judge whatever that is. If you love who it makes you, then don't ever stop. 

And that's what I figured out, when I got hurt today. Yes, I'm a little tired of having bad situations that force me to learn things but I am grateful that I can learn something and...well...someday, maybe, it will all be worth it. I have to believe that too. Someday, maybe.

1957

I don't know who's seen when Harry Met Sally, it's an older romantic comedy made before rom-coms were a treat for the actor to make and a guilty pleasure for their all female audience. There's a quote in it, said by the male lead, about how "men and women can't be friends without sleeping with each other. It just can't be done." The female lead argues with him, of course, and in the end, these two friends do end up being together...typical movie plot, but I feel that this idea stems from a social convention not often thought about in these thoroughly modern times. Can people of the opposite sexes be friends, merely platonic friends, infinitely? Must it always begin or end in romance, or at least attraction?

My view on things is always a little off the idea of social norms, so the following will be no exception. I think it's possible, totally possible, and I use myself as an example. My first thought is, what motivates friendship? I treat those that I want friendship with in a pretty different way than those I with which I want something more. I'm no indiscriminate flirter (maybe that's my problem), and I am careful with the distinction. I've surprised some people by saying that I have close friends who happen to be guys and yes, we spend one on one time together because that's often how I hang out with people. But can't that just mean that I enjoy their company and what they have to say without wanting them? I think so. 

I've also noticed that there seems to be some instinctual, perhaps archaic view on this matter. The division between genders has blurred in recent years, and friendship vs dating is not so black and white. Friends sleep with each other, while people who have dated can become the closest on a platonic level. Everything is a gray area now, especially when it comes to relations between people. So why is there still this almost completely universal belief, at least on a subconscious level, that a guy and a girl can't be friends without something between them? Whenever I'm with a guy, a friend, and it's just us two, there's always the assumption that we're together. I understand that that is often the case, but when I see a guy and a girl walking together without holding hands or whatever body language....I just don't assume that. 

Maybe I'm always a little different, but in talking to many people about this, the idea seems to be universally accepted that "just friends" is never a complete reality, that there's never complete equality. Hmm

In the end, I love my friends completely, whichever gender they are. To me, it's about personality and how I jive with a person, not attraction or wanting a friend of one gender of another. I do allow that in many cases, a one sided attraction leads to an eventual friendship, and I'm also a firm believer that the best relationships stem from the closest friendships. But a friend is a friend, so get over this idea that platonic is never platonic between different genders. It's possible, and it's a reality. 

Simple

I have finally caved and created a Twitter, to catch the many random thoughts I have all day. I see it as an exercise in writing succinctly and organizing my thoughts.

Classes continue, and are as easy as I expected...perhaps easier. It's like being back in high school, and I hate the slight feeling of being patronized when I am there. It's not like the students aren't smart, but I am not being challenged enough. I finally got the inevitable question and accompanying eye roll of "You're one of those smart girls, aren't you?" Yeah, because that's exactly how I feel right now. Not. I feel really stupid, or at least I have felt that way, but I am also starting to feel like GPA is just another number that doesn't express who I am. I know that it's important for my future, and I will bring that number up to more fully express myself, but...my grades have always been the most important thing to me, and going through this time of not being the best in that regard has forced me to put my self worth in other things, such as the fact that I am an amazing friend. I was too one faceted when I focused so severely on school. Yes, I still wish I had done better, and yes, I plan to do whatever it takes to achieve my goals from now on but...I also see that there's a lot to me, and the lack of perfection in academics doesn't make me as worthless as I've been feeling. 

Recent life has been incredibly busy, with both school work and fun things. Liz and I had an adventure in LA, going to Amoeba and getting thebestpizzaever at Lucifer's in Los Feliz, where we also met the guitarist from a band called Ellie Sky (they're pretty good and still unfamous, so check them out). I went to Palm Springs over the weekend to visit Kate and stay with her family...her house is beautiful, but it still couldn't make up for the fact that we melted in the 115 degree heat every time we ventured outside. It was really fun though, and the long solo drive there and back gave me plenty of time to think about some things. I even called my mom on the way home to tell her how grateful I am to have her in my life. I realized that she is so important to me because we have such a good relationship...somewhere between mother/daughter and best friends. She makes me feel so safe and protected...and I know that whatever happens with this coming year, it will be okay because she will be there the whole time. She always says that she missed me dearly when I moved to school, but that was one of the hardest things for me-to not have her right in front of me when I was feeling so alone and scared. 

The car ride also gave me a chance to reflect on my Friday. In the evening, I went with Brianne and her parents to the Hollywood Bowl. It was such an amazing night all around...we sat in box seats next to a tv director and had dinner in the amazing weather, then watched the show-Mancini, a personal favorite, topped off with fireworks that seemed to explode right over my head. I was in love...this is one of the things I love about living in LA. Later that night, I went to one of my close friend's birthday party, and most people know how I feel about parties. (I hate them, it's "one of my quirks".) This particular gathering was especially awkward because a guy that has broken my heart about 5000 times over was there...and I shocked myself when I realized that I was genuinely having fun. I was laughing a lot and it was just ridiculous, as it often is when I am stone sober and others are...not so. I wasn't left to flounder awkwardly, I had someone to talk to at all times, and it was just very laid back. I wasn't even THAT annoyed when the aforementioned heart breaker decided to throw a ping pong ball at me. (Although, honestly, are we 7 years old? Are you gonna pull my pigtails, too?) I'm even in some guy's "cool book", whatever that means.

The busy-ness continues this week and weekend and so on. Tomorrow should be fun, free show at the Armand Hammer museum with Liz...I guess I better dress like a hipster for that one :). This weekend, I get to see my friend from BU (!) for tacos and a Dodger game, because we like cliches. Then it's the weekend with my favorite semi relative...which includes being dragged to Harry Potter?!?!?! Ugh. Here we go.

Awake

So, Noor's warrior-like dedication to her blog has inspired me, or guilted me, into starting into this again. I hope that I keep at it...I never talk about things in real life, but writing to a computer screen makes me feel like this is private, for some odd reason.

This week, my mom and I got denied any financial aid at BU. It was...an unsurprising blow, I suppose. This means that if I don't decide to go to community college in the fall, I will have to spend my savings, as well as taking money in loans and from my mom. I hate the feeling of asking her to pay for something impossible...I feel so incredibly guilty about it, especialy because I WANT to go back. I like Boston, more because of the friends I made than anything. They are like a second family to me, they have and will protect me and love me when I need it. Don't fool yourself into thinking my freshman year was the basis of perfection, though. I had a hard time, a really hard time, and everything that happened this year has forced me to examine myself and actually figure out what I really want. I've always been the talentless "smart girl", but I never questioned myself. I graduated high school with the utmost confidence in what I could do and where I was going...and with the move, harassment, and difficulty of my first year, I have lost so much of that confidence. Maybe I was a fool to have it in the first place, but my plan and my goals always made me push on through when it was too hard to do so. When my parents got divorced, I just thought about going to college and being the best, and I got through. When I lost friends in high school, I just thought about college, about being a doctor, and I kept going. Everything, all the work, was worth it, and I just got the wind completely taken from my sails this year.

I know now that I WANT to be a doctor. I also know that it is going to be a huge uphill battle for me. I will have to transfer schools, focus on academics, spend a ton of money. Maybe I needed something like this to happen, to give me the drive I have now to reach this. I don't always understand life, but I've come to believe that everything happens for a reason. I'm still searching for my reason. 

Summer has been it's own adventure. It's been really important for me to be home and around familiarity, to heal, to figure out my new and improved "plan". I want to live so many places, and I foresee going back to the east coast someday, but for now, California is my home, and I feel so calm here. No challenge is too big when I can sort out my thoughts at Station 10. 

So, I've learned a lot this year. I made a list of what I've learned, and maybe some of these things are cliche, but they're really important to me, and they're things I NEEDED to know.

1. Surround yourself with people who will love you, no matter how stubborn or insecure or panicky you can get. I never thought I could afford to be choosy with friends, but coming to BU and being surrounded by so many people, choosiness was forced upon me, and I am so grateful. There I met Cara, one of my soulmates who let me live on her floor for a week while I had no place to live. I met Brianne, who lives 10 minutes from my home but I had to go 3000 miles away to find out what an amazing friend she is. I met Jon, who can not talk to me for a month, and when I call, it's like there's been no time elapsed. These are people I have needed to find. I had friends at home who couldn't care about me in the way I needed them to, and I have since faded away from them, to save my own heart. Friendship should be a reciprocal relationship.

2. Don't take family so seriously, especially a cranky old grandfather. My grandfather yelled at me for the first time in my life just a week ago, about events that have happened in the year. I was so upset at first...and then I realized, he's just having a hard time and can't find an outlet for his depression besides me and my mom. I've always hated that there's tons of discrimination in my family...my mom is treated like crap while my uncles are the stars of life. It's BS for sure and it has always bothered me, but I realized that I can't change it, and to just enjoy whomever I can that I'm related to, and let the rest brush off. I'm so happy that my cousin Matt is in LA for a few weeks. He was the only cousin of mine who was actually nice to me at the last family reunion...I was too young and too sober to gain attention from anyone else there. He's an awesome person, as far as I can tell, and I'm grateful that not everyone that I'm not related to has a complex.

3. You have to put more value on yourself than a guy will ever give you. I'm still the dateless wonder, even after a year of college, and yeah, that pisses me off a little. What's so wrong with me, that not ONE guy thinks I'm pretty or interesting or whatever?? I don't know. But I've learned that a lot of "romance", or flirting, is about the guy's ego. Some guys flirt just as a measure of daily life, and most don't think anything of it. Basically, you just have to love yourself about 100x more than a guy can at this point, and then let them do some of the work. If you like me enough, then do something about it. And respect yourself always...this idea of a subservient girl is still an undercurrent in our culture. Girls should be flattered to be chased, and should allow guys to do as they please...especially at parties HA. Gross. Not the feminist ideas I was raised with. 

Dangling preposition. Dang.

4. Listen to yourself. Don't drown your own voice out. Your own instincts know you best...that's just plain fact

5. If you're born and raised in California, you can't handle a Boston weather. Don't kid yourself, as I did. You will get frost on your tear ducts and wind burn on your cheeks, you will slip on ice, you will have wet socks from slush puddles, and you will suffer.

6. Keep going. Remember to hold on to who you are, even when you are in a pit of despair, and if you slip away from yourself...just remember to get yourself back, okay?

Quotes I Love, continued

"I got more rhymes than toubbeleh has parsley."-Jason Jones "i didnt watch the game though because there was a high school musical sing along dance along that i couldnt miss" jess wise, georgia Costco: I'm just gonna have 7 children to justify buying 20 bars of soap at one time. Cheesus? Well, if we go on the ebay and he's only worth 20 cents, we're probably just gonna eat him. The Altomonte family, Burger King, '96: "Omg, chicken nuggets. ON THE FLOOR." "Mom, the floor isn't the issue...*looks up*" "And that's when I saw the cheeseburger stuck to the ceiling" "I want to get an orange dot on my ankle so ppl can be like wtf is that? It's an orange wtf do you think!" "She had no pulp, some pulp, and lots of pulp. That's like...crazy shit." "I don't really...subscribe to any labels." "This is not a cab!! I'm not mad."-Nick, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist "weed doesn't make you lazy. lazy people are lazy." "you caught me and I caught you" "You're just having fun and then you get decapitated. It sucks." "that's why you need a LOT of guys. so you can choose which one's best. don't you agree?" "please remove your boobs from my hands" "neva say no to free pills. neva." (out of context) "the bitch SMILED AND WAVED! what a freakin jerkface!""yeah that's fucked up" -and then I crashed into a pole, it was great -hahah omg I love that about you "Go to the right if you want fries, go to the left if you want democracy" "It's like an alien dropped his pants and sat on a Xerox machine...life is short, you have to take your pleasures when you can"-Ernie/Dill love/?=undefined-cara I can't believe you just called me honey bunches of oats. chance doesn't give a shit about what you believe caitlin:silly goose me:that is the most true thing anyone has ever said about me love makes me feel like a confused stoner "well, I didn't put drugs in the lollipops...so I can't be sure"-night guard/bffl I don't want to open my eyes from a kiss and not see your smile in front of me. I just..don't. "You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills." "You have to promise that you won't fall in love with me" "That shouldn't be a problem."A Walk To Remember "You are remembered for the rules you break." -MacArthur

Manifesto

I hope to someday fall in love. I hope to change lives, in small ways, for the better.I hope that I may always learn. I hope to find strength in everything, no matter how hard the situation. I hope to never lose my hope, for that would be the greatest loss of all. And remember: everyone, no matter who they seem to be, has a story to tell and something to teach you.

Musings

I got tired of waiting for my life to begin. So I've decided to take matters into my own hands. "Yeah, if you jump, you might get hurt. You could even die, if we are thinking in extremes here. But if you don't jump...you never live. I'm thinking that jumping and living for 30 seconds is much more preferable to being nonliving for 90 years." Happiness is fulfillment. It's being able to look at the future without fear. Happiness is not fleeting, if you can have the courage to give it survival.

I need a judge. Or God.

Decisions. Or, decision. I'm not really sure, but they continue to chase me, no matter if I get a few days of certainty stuck in there at some point. It's so tiring and frustrating..today, after barely sleeping, I feel like my head is actually going to explode. Like I have pressure in my head...it's interesting.

But

I have also been able to learn about myself in this whole process. Which is good, because just getting anxiety and an ulcer is seriously unproductive. I'm learning that I am always ready for a new adventure. I feel like I never really got the adventure I was looking for when I went off to college, though I moved across the country to a city I barely knew. I still made it familiar, which is what I needed at the time. But I need my adventure. I've been waiting my whole life for the chance to carve out a life story that is uniquely my own. One that I can look back on and tell people about, and have them be able to say, wow, you certainly have taken a winding path less traveled to get to....wherever I am. I want that, more so now that I have the opportunity. Being a doctor can give me the opportunity to keep having adventures and support myself and help people all at once, and that's still my goal. I guess I am just surprised at the deep feeling of adventure and spontaneity that I yearn for. So, with that in mind, I need to figure my next year out. I have a goal and I have a few choices. Now what? Well, I don't know. But I'm gonna get there. 

Just a blurb

You know how MLK had a dream? Well I do too. For myself, at least. And I'm willing to walk across the country and yell at people and fight until I get it.

Another Poem

I sigh at my watch in frustration

I had found another long lost time piece, only to discover another dead battery

I know that watch batteries are small, but must mine always be deceased?

Time is supposed to be one of those constantly constant things

It never changes, never stops moving

If we lose our sense of time, it is most disorienting

Jet lag is no joke

So why, why, must my time always be out of sorts?

Maybe my watches know me too well

*Note to Sophomore Year

I want to cry with how well I HAVE to do next semester. Why did this year kick my ass so badly? I just hope that I can hang on to my determination throughout the summer, because I will need to hit the ground running next year. Laziness is irrelevant.

Bangle

Last night, before going to dinner with the dreaded family, my mom called me into her bathroom. I figured it was to help her with a zipper or to ask if her hair looked nice. When I got there, she grabbed my hand and pulled a silver bangle bracelet, similar the gold ones she has been wearing for over 30 years, out of a little bag. She said "This is for you, you don't have to give it back," and with that, my face lit up in excitement. To most people, a thin bangle isn't really a big gift; it's pretty, but not very significant. To me, however, it's a huge deal. It's common in Middle Eastern culture for the women to start wearing thin bangles on one wrist starting around my age. They never take them off, and usually they are received as gifts. This has always been a part of my mom, to me, her bangles. They make a distinct noise and I can instantly recognize them, and I have always loved them. Recently, I have started to want them, and she would let me borrow at least one of hers to wear for a while, then return. They just make me feel closer to my heritage and to my mom. So, to finally receive a bangle of my own is pretty significant to me. She also made it my own by buying it in sterling silver, since I wear more silver jewelry than gold. I will treasure it and it's significance to me forever..and it is never coming off.

Happy Mother's Day.

Memories from This Year :)

Kellyisms 1."Oh look! A zebra! Let's shave it!" 2.It's only funny if it comes from the mouth of a Korean man 3.That's a legit beard. Look, you can braid parts of it. 4. They flip and they flop and they're flip flops. 5. Look at it! Look at the SHNOUT! 6. kelly: what? it smells like wood. me: THAT'S THE DOOR!! it smells like pot!! 7.About chem lab: It's like trying to solve a really hard non fun riddle! 8.Only Brazilian oranges are fat free!! 9. DAYUMM GIRL (damnn that soy sauce!) adventures in the dining hall 11.22.08 -THEY ARE NOT MANDALS. They are flip flops! They go flip and then flop! They're sandals and I wear socks with them, ok??? -I go flip and then flop but I'm not a mandal. -DO NOT. Briannnnne? -What? I flip AND flop. -Your mandals....FLIPFLOPS...are on me...agghh. -I wear socks and shoes. ;D 11.20.08 -HELLO!! -umm hi... .... I'll just sit down. -How're you tonight? We are in a band and we both go to BU! We just wanted to give you our flyers! -Oh ok cool thanks *all look at bear/frog looking drawings -Those are bears. Or frogs. He drew them! -I drew them! -So if you could just check us out on myspace... *still staring at tiny flyers* -Oh cool, they're cute. Oh you're playing tomorrow?! -Yeah!! If you like us a lot from myspace come check us out! We're just a cool band.. -Ok will do -Yeah we're just a bunch of guys who love to have a good time. BYE!! -uhhh. please can i quote that last thing they said for oh idk, all of eternity?? (later)...we were the only table they visited. -you sure? -we are the only ones with tiny flyers! -we could have been one of a couple tables -uh no. -yeah that's what I was afraid of... :D

PLUS: Hockey stalking...it will never end, the ridiculous conversations we have daily that I can't write down, SARAAAHHH.....

A Poem

I'm always ready for the worst. 

I am constantly preparing myself for the breath sharply taken in.

I'm bracing myself for the the break and the blink and the crack.

The sounds of a breaking heart, of disappointment falling on ears that refuse to hear it.

I have come to expect what I dread, each time, each time.

I am wearier than I care to acknowledge.

What if, this time, I get a brush from grace?

What if "better than perfection", better than dreamed of, becomes my unlikely reality?

Is giving that notion a space in my mind to live even worth it?

A little ray of light has no place among these ready battlements.

And as hope pushes its way in, I think, I don't think I can ever be ready for this to come true. 

Angry?

I am really tired of these...girls. These girlfriends. These women, everywhere, who are so freaking ANGRY. At what, you ask? Oh, at their boyfriends. The most secure girlfriend is the angriest one. It's absolutely ridiculous. So many girls are in relationships, even ones with low amounts of disfunction, and all they do is get mad at their boyfriends. 

For what? For something legitimate?

NO

NO

NO

For getting drunk one night, and not using whatever remaining mental capacity he had to stop her from helping him. For oversleeping and being late to her Gossip Girl marathon. For forgetting to get the right type of salsa from Shaw's. I mean, have these girls ever met a guy before??? They are forgetful, and stupid, and totally oblivious to a lot of things. It doesn't mean that they don't adore their girlfriends....so many think that their girlfriends walk on water. They just cant help themselves sometimes. They're immature, even. So WHAT??? Girls....you need to wake up and get it. We don't love guys because they are responsible. We love their spontaneity, their sweetness, their smell, their smile. So stop being angry already.

Your screeching is getting on my nerves. 

Update

I've had a really difficult couple of days. My grandmother is still very sick, my mom is sicker than we originally thought, housing has been an absolute anxiety attack, and now it seems that one of my closest friends from home hates me. I wish I could move on, like none of this bothers me in the immense way that it actually does. Good things are happening too...I count my blessings every day. It's just that these few days have really zapped my confidence, my resilience, my strength, at least for now. I'm pretty much tired of crying about it, and life goes on...I still have schoolwork to work on and friends to not be a downer around. I have some amazing people in my life, and I am truly seeing how great that is. 

Today, it has been raining with ferocity all day. Sometimes it's been a drizzle, other times it's a downpour with lightning to accompany it. The mist everywhere is beautiful, though...it sort of blankets the world in some kind of peace. I like it a lot.

Out

I'm suddenly really happy that I am out of high school.

Was everyone this shallow when I was there and I was just oblivious? Or did this happen post-graduation? Was it just my high school that bred this kind of behavior, or was it universal?

Sometimes, I miss being in California. I will never again miss being around the people who somehow lost their reality in favor of pleasure and forgetfulness.

Mist

What is it about the rain? All I can do is stare, and think, and be lost in thought. It's not too helpful when I have lots of bio to read and the skies are as gray as the glaze over my eyes right now. There's just something about the mist, the lack of focus in the outside world and in the sky that makes me lose focus in my own life. I am just ready to think about what could be, what is apart from my daily reality. Is that unhealthy, to think about what could be? Maybe I am setting myself up for disappointment. I'm really unsure of myself in that regard. Life has rarely surprised me with it's magic...thus far. 

With the rain comes to me a peaceful sort of sadness...like I am absorbing all the things that I am lacking in my life, and just accepting them. It's not unpleasant at all. I love being inside when it is raining. The light is beautiful and it smells amazing and the air is so clean. In the best way, it's like this purifying kind of thing. Spring rain has done well by me. 

So. Beautiful, misty day....keep my spirits up. 

I just had a rant in my brain and I figured that I would post it on here and hopefully get it out of my system. I was at a party last night, as I am every weekend it seems. Parties can be really fun, and this particular one was nice because the girl to guy ratio wasn't so incredibly skewed like they can be at frat parties. It's a silly observation, really, but that's besides the point.

My rant is such.

If a girl goes to a party, I guy SHOULD be allowed to dance all up on her. Without asking.

Also, if she doesn't flat out reject him or they dance for more than a few minutes, he is allowed to expect that he can kiss her. 

Or put his hands all over her.

And if she protests, he can just leave abruptly and label her a bitch in the process. And the guy just leaving like that? While typical, it makes the girl feel like crap. Even just for a split second. 

Plenty of girls will contradict me that any of this is a problem. They say it doesn't bother them, it's just how it is, blah blah. Well you know what? I may be "unusual" but I am calling their bluff. No way does it not bother you. If you didn't want to get danced with, you'd forgo the makeup and hair routine, you'd wear baggy clothes, you wouldn't go out. It's a little bit of confidence if a guy finds your ass so appealing that he wants to grind up all in that. Whatever, I never said that college parties were classy. They are what they are. I take them for that.

But I don't think that they are free license for a guy to be a douchebag, and then have it be EXCUSED because "we're at a party." Women are precious. They should be treasured. Maybe, at 19, no one can recognize that yet. It's about sex and quick satisfaction. Call me a prude or a crazy womens rights-er or whatever you want, I am the last person on earth to care about public opinion. I just think that a guy who is all about sticking his tongue down whoever offers or even doesn't offer...isn't who I'm all about being around. Maybe I am limiting myself, especially being a freshman in college...most guys are wanting hookups at parties, even if they are good guys outside that. I am not looking for some marriage proposal. It just doesn't appeal to me. I mean, my roommate even said "Look, a guy who is gonna make out with you at a party is NOT gonna call you."

Well that's crap. 

Be a man. Or accept that you suck. 

That's my piece. Oh and I am in no way an angry person. I am about to go frolic in the sun. :)

Life, Revived

People are always talking about the "best feeling in the world"

Maybe they say it's the rush of adrenaline and accomplishment you get from catching a wave or reaching the top of a mountain. Maybe it's when you fall in love, or when you find your mutuality. Maybe it's when you have it all, you've finally reached your goal, blah blah. 

I don't know about these extreme feelings. I just know that things have been truly going my way recently, and my delight has been contagious. I have been through a lot this year and my struggles are far from over, but I have also gotten a lot in recent events, and it's just...nice. Payoff for my work and pain. And for day to day life...that's the best feeling in the world. 

Instinct

"So why can't you see, you belong with me?"

That's a Taylor Swift lyric, in case you weren't sure. I'm incurably obsessed with T Swift, but that's besides the point. 

That lyric is supposed to mean that she wants this guy to like her blah blah and he should notice her a little...but I was thinking, that could mean so much more. 

Feelings are complicated. Emotions complicate. That's what the general consensus is, which is why it totally frustrates people when I see basically everything as black and white...go with your gut, that's right, the end. The complexities only start when we second guess ourselves and lose what we are sure of in the shuffle. Falling for someone is helplessness, sweetness, wistfulness, and excitement. It's as scary as it is blissful. 

And as for the lyric, well...sometimes we let our overthinking get in the way of what we feel in our guts. Scientists can break love down into dopamine and serotonin all they want; no one fully understands how love works. It's too unpredictable to be pinned down. And things can fall apart when we let our busy thoughts overtake what we feel...sometimes, people just belong together. And I hope that they can give themselves over to their emotions just enough to understand that, and "see" who they "belong with."

The turnaround

Have you ever noticed how one moment or one little event can change your whole day, or maybe your next few days? It's like nothing really changes, just your attitude about it, and that's the most important thing in determining how a day will be. No one can be sunnycheeryoptimistic all the time, though I have tried before; it's just not how we operate, as humans. But sometimes, something can happen, and the world seems less of a burden for a little while. 

Dealing

I've never had to deal with as much as I am dealing with now. It should be overwhelming, I guess, but it's not...I can't do much about half of what I am facing, so this is a true lesson in letting go and doing what I can about what I do have control over. Now that I have so much on my plate, I find myself being grateful for the smallest blessings, because the big ones aren't as obvious right now. It's appropriate that today is Ash Wednesday, because part of Lent is embracing change, and trying to to change a little bit about yourself to be reminded more of God. I'm still not sure what I'm giving up or changing exactly, but I am going to try to stop worrying about every single thing in existence. It wastes energy and time that you could be putting into work, thought, enjoyment, anything. 

It's like, I want to become more of the person I am when I'm sitting on my beach at sunset. It's where I go to clear my thoughts and let the sheer enormity and awe of the ocean wash over me, and for me, there is no place more peaceful. I feel as if nothing bad can happen when I'm on my beach...and although it might be unrealistic to think that about all of life, I can at least try to clear myself of being fidgety and worrying all the time. The way I see it, life is constantly moving forward, and time never stops for anyone. Everything, literally everything, passes, and with that, bad things can fade and good things can strengthen. Each day, I remind myself that life is full of possibilities and opportunities to be happy, to find joy.

I have to remind myself, lest I forget.

Simple

Last night, I was talking to a friend and I suddenly burst out saying "Don't you wish life was simple?" She said no, because that would be boring...and I agree. I guess what I meant was that I wish that things worked out more often than they seem to.

If two people like each other, then they should be together.

If you want to do some job or something with all your heart, then you can do it.

If you are friendly and kind, then you are accepted.

But life is..it is what it is. It doesn't always work out the way we ask for...often, it works out in even better ways. Another of my friends has this theory that there is some sort of karma, some sort of balance in the world, like life can be really hard but it balances out somehow. I don't know how true that is, or what I believe...I'm optimistic to a fault, so I think that things will work out for me in the end, somehow. Some people have awful lives, and a lot of that isn't their fault in any way, but some people seem to harden their hearts too much so young and never let anyone in or let anyone open them up, which kind of ruins their own life in a way. I'm determined to not be the cause of my own downfall, to never give up on hope.

That's the plan, anyways.

Wander

I've been so lost in thought for days now. If I have a free moment...or even a moment that shouldn't be free, I am staring off into the distance, letting my thoughts wander into criscrossing patterns and into daydreams. It's like I can paint a picture just with what I'm thinking...I get to create a whole new world in the air. And daydreams are totally under your own control, like a little escape from the moment.

But sometimes, daydreams only manage to highlight the cruelty of reality. My thoughts, when I let them, create what isn't real...sometimes I make up the manifestations of my desires or just what I want. I imagine that it's quite a funny thing to behold, my vacant eyes and a slight grin on my mouth, while I twist the ring on my left hand around and around. There's nothing so pleasant as getting lost in a world that you can imagine, a world of perfect bliss...until you have to come back to Earth. And sometimes then, the perfection contrasts so harshly with reality, it stings. 

So I've been trying to be more realistic in my daydreams. Don't call it impossible, because it really isn't. I just take something that is real, or sort of real, something that is happening in my life, and go from there. It's nice, because there isn't some harsh SNAP into what reality is. 

So that's what I've been up to :)

Luke

Sometimes, I think that I care too much.  

My friend was being sarcastic and said "Oh yes, how awful to be so nice." But that isn't it at all. I'm not necessarily all that nice, as a general rule. If you aren't really my friend, I probably won't go out of my way to even be too friendly to you. 

But then.

If I do care about you, if we've become friends and close through whatever means, then I care immensely, and I manage to find it impossible to stop caring once I've started. Separating myself from people I have loved isn't difficult in the traditional sense, I just...can't. I probably won't stop loving someone once I've started, which is starting to be something of a burden as I get older and have more experiences.

My heart used to be so guarded, and in a lot of ways, I seem to have gone in the complete opposite direction in the recent past. Now, my heart is very open, and I am almost...vulnerable. I hated the reticent person I was, and I made myself take more risks. I love people, even after others think I am just hurting myself, because I can't help throwing my whole heart into a friendship. I guess it's stupid. It isn't really wise of me, which is against type, and I can't say that I trust just anyone...that definitely isn't the case. It's just that once I do, I never want to lose the other person. Those that have become close to me have a piece of my heart, without a doubt. 

So, maybe I do care too much. Maybe I let people in to entirely too much of my heart, and I should hide it away. Maybe I shouldn't be so open, so honest, so willing to share it all.

But it's just who I am.