Thanks

Homesickness.

It's one of those buzzwords that we use. "I'm homesick." Everyone should know what it means, and it means so much and so many different things that it's meaning is impossible to pin down. For me, it's incredibly tricky to define. My life is amazing at BU, here in NY, and often, a little less perfect when I am home. It's more real and more dysfunctional at home, and being home for more than a few days usually instigates a pull to leave again.

At the same time, I am terribly homesick today. It was a wonderful Thanksgiving, quite possibly the best I've ever had, with the intersection of family, welcoming, food, warmth, conversation, laughter, naps..I even enjoyed football. Sort of. I enjoyed complaining about people liking football. I was the only girl there, which I loved. I was comfortable and happy and smiling when I wasn't falling asleep. I was with my cousin Matt, who I consider one of my closest friends. It was just...easy, and right.

I almost chose to fly home at the last minute for Thanksgiving. That clearly was a decision I decided not to stay with, as I am writing to you from the Bay Ridge neighborhood of Brooklyn. All that awaited me at home was, frankly, unappealing: tense dysfunction, a family who doesn't really like me, awkward silences, and never enough food. I would have to face some of the problems that have been happening in California, and see people I'm not that enthusiastic about. It would have been extremely exhausting, on top of the exhaustion I have already undergone, and probably somewhat stressful. In the end, I made the right decision to visit in NY, I have no doubt about that.

But I still miss my home. It is where my heart is in many respects. I wouldn't say it's where I feel "most alive" or whatever people say about home, but it is where the people I love the most are. This is my first Thanksgiving away from my mom, my best friend, and even though we rarely have a really enjoyable holiday, she and I have always had each other. Even the year that my sister was in the hospital for Thanksgiving. Even the year that my parents had gotten divorced and my dad wasn't present at the table for the first time. Every year, it has been me and my mom, and that's the best thing.

I guess this stems from my fear that she and I are growing apart as I grow up, forge a life, and am so far away. I am so sure that I made the right decision to go away for school and make my own life, apart from the family I have on the West Coast. I have certainly come alive at Boston, on my trips to New York, at college. I am now the person I always used to WANT to be, and I'm really happy for the first time ever. It's just scary to have your life completely entwined with someone else's, but not be able to see them for so long. I get that 4 months isn't that insanely long of a time, and separating is natural, whatever...I guess that this is just my first taste of a very long separation, and it's surely taking some adjusting. I am not without love in my life or without support, and underneath my sadness, I'm happy.

I'm just a little sad right now.

In the spirit of the holiday, though, I must say what I am grateful for. Here goes.

1. Never wanting, no matter how bad things can seem

2. My family, wherever they may be. I can't even list how many times I heard "Come down, anytime, you are always welcome" tonight.

3. Friends, because they make life fun and funny

4. Who I am, and everyone and everything that has made me that way. Everything including my darkest moments, because I wouldn't be the person I love to be without it all. I know that whatever happens in my life, I have learned early in life how to be strong, and when it's ok to be weak. And that's the best lesson I ever could have learned. I'm admitting my weakness right, which is a mark of my strength in my honesty with myself. I'm learning to open my heart and get hurt more, which seems..stupid, but it's the only way to live without forgetting to feel. Maybe I'm being cliche right now. You know who would understand perfectly?

My mom.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for seeing me. I'm thankful for you, and I'm thankful that tomorrow, I will be ready to face the world anew.