The turnaround

Have you ever noticed how one moment or one little event can change your whole day, or maybe your next few days? It's like nothing really changes, just your attitude about it, and that's the most important thing in determining how a day will be. No one can be sunnycheeryoptimistic all the time, though I have tried before; it's just not how we operate, as humans. But sometimes, something can happen, and the world seems less of a burden for a little while. 

Dealing

I've never had to deal with as much as I am dealing with now. It should be overwhelming, I guess, but it's not...I can't do much about half of what I am facing, so this is a true lesson in letting go and doing what I can about what I do have control over. Now that I have so much on my plate, I find myself being grateful for the smallest blessings, because the big ones aren't as obvious right now. It's appropriate that today is Ash Wednesday, because part of Lent is embracing change, and trying to to change a little bit about yourself to be reminded more of God. I'm still not sure what I'm giving up or changing exactly, but I am going to try to stop worrying about every single thing in existence. It wastes energy and time that you could be putting into work, thought, enjoyment, anything. 

It's like, I want to become more of the person I am when I'm sitting on my beach at sunset. It's where I go to clear my thoughts and let the sheer enormity and awe of the ocean wash over me, and for me, there is no place more peaceful. I feel as if nothing bad can happen when I'm on my beach...and although it might be unrealistic to think that about all of life, I can at least try to clear myself of being fidgety and worrying all the time. The way I see it, life is constantly moving forward, and time never stops for anyone. Everything, literally everything, passes, and with that, bad things can fade and good things can strengthen. Each day, I remind myself that life is full of possibilities and opportunities to be happy, to find joy.

I have to remind myself, lest I forget.

Simple

Last night, I was talking to a friend and I suddenly burst out saying "Don't you wish life was simple?" She said no, because that would be boring...and I agree. I guess what I meant was that I wish that things worked out more often than they seem to.

If two people like each other, then they should be together.

If you want to do some job or something with all your heart, then you can do it.

If you are friendly and kind, then you are accepted.

But life is..it is what it is. It doesn't always work out the way we ask for...often, it works out in even better ways. Another of my friends has this theory that there is some sort of karma, some sort of balance in the world, like life can be really hard but it balances out somehow. I don't know how true that is, or what I believe...I'm optimistic to a fault, so I think that things will work out for me in the end, somehow. Some people have awful lives, and a lot of that isn't their fault in any way, but some people seem to harden their hearts too much so young and never let anyone in or let anyone open them up, which kind of ruins their own life in a way. I'm determined to not be the cause of my own downfall, to never give up on hope.

That's the plan, anyways.

Wander

I've been so lost in thought for days now. If I have a free moment...or even a moment that shouldn't be free, I am staring off into the distance, letting my thoughts wander into criscrossing patterns and into daydreams. It's like I can paint a picture just with what I'm thinking...I get to create a whole new world in the air. And daydreams are totally under your own control, like a little escape from the moment.

But sometimes, daydreams only manage to highlight the cruelty of reality. My thoughts, when I let them, create what isn't real...sometimes I make up the manifestations of my desires or just what I want. I imagine that it's quite a funny thing to behold, my vacant eyes and a slight grin on my mouth, while I twist the ring on my left hand around and around. There's nothing so pleasant as getting lost in a world that you can imagine, a world of perfect bliss...until you have to come back to Earth. And sometimes then, the perfection contrasts so harshly with reality, it stings. 

So I've been trying to be more realistic in my daydreams. Don't call it impossible, because it really isn't. I just take something that is real, or sort of real, something that is happening in my life, and go from there. It's nice, because there isn't some harsh SNAP into what reality is. 

So that's what I've been up to :)

Luke

Sometimes, I think that I care too much.  

My friend was being sarcastic and said "Oh yes, how awful to be so nice." But that isn't it at all. I'm not necessarily all that nice, as a general rule. If you aren't really my friend, I probably won't go out of my way to even be too friendly to you. 

But then.

If I do care about you, if we've become friends and close through whatever means, then I care immensely, and I manage to find it impossible to stop caring once I've started. Separating myself from people I have loved isn't difficult in the traditional sense, I just...can't. I probably won't stop loving someone once I've started, which is starting to be something of a burden as I get older and have more experiences.

My heart used to be so guarded, and in a lot of ways, I seem to have gone in the complete opposite direction in the recent past. Now, my heart is very open, and I am almost...vulnerable. I hated the reticent person I was, and I made myself take more risks. I love people, even after others think I am just hurting myself, because I can't help throwing my whole heart into a friendship. I guess it's stupid. It isn't really wise of me, which is against type, and I can't say that I trust just anyone...that definitely isn't the case. It's just that once I do, I never want to lose the other person. Those that have become close to me have a piece of my heart, without a doubt. 

So, maybe I do care too much. Maybe I let people in to entirely too much of my heart, and I should hide it away. Maybe I shouldn't be so open, so honest, so willing to share it all.

But it's just who I am. 

Lessons

I am quite relieved...happy, even. Yesterday, on my walk home, I talked to my mom and told her that "the plan" had changed, that my life seems to be going in a different direction than I had anticipated. She was upset for maybe 3 minutes, but she could tell that I had really given this a lot of thought and I am not acting on impulse. She was quickly supportive and said that she trusted me and my decisions...which brings me to my topic.

I was talking with a friend yesterday about arranged marriages. She was saying that she has a good relationship with her parents, but she'd never want them to pick out a husband for her. I actually surprised myself by disagreeing, saying that I wouldn't mind if my mom did that for me, because she really does want my happiness above her own, and she knows me very well and would choose someone truly good for me.

Not that I am entering into an arranged marriage. God forbid I commit to anything for life.

We all need people to give us support, solid, real support in our lives. I've always relied on my mom to give that to me, because she always does, even if it's not immediate. However, I've also started looking elsewhere for support, like to my closest friends. I always used to see getting help as a weakness, like I couldn't be independent enough to resolve something on my own, but now I am slowly teaching myself that letting people in and asking them to give you what you can't give to yourself is a very good thing to do. It allows for people to care about you, and thus caring leads to more caring. I have interesting logic, I guess. I don't know that anyone is quite as strong headed as me, or as fiercely independent and reliant on freedom.

But I'm learning.

I'm learning to trust.

I'm learning to love more openly.

I'm learning to let my heart take risks.

I'm learning to not let hurt, or the fear of being hurt, stop me from embracing life.

I'm learning to let you in. 

Concernment

I'm worried.

Please, the "nothing new there" comments are unnecessary. I know that I worry a lot more than a lot of people, and a lot less than many others... I have plenty of reasons to be worried. This one? Well, usually I am pretty nonspecific in my blog. But I need to get this OUT of me, before I explode, and it's kind of late in California and...it's messy is all. I have to tell my mom that I don't want to be what she wants, that I have changed my entire life path and I know that it is going to disappoint her and that...scares me. More than anything in the world, I want my mom to be proud of me, but I can not keep doing something I no longer love and I no longer want to do. I used to be so passionate about medicine, but I have learned a lot in college, including the fact that I would probably make a great doctor. I have the toughness, the memory, the compassion, and the drive. It just isn't what I want anymore, period, and that's the full truth. I'm just worried about telling her, and I want to do it NOW and get it the frick over with, but at the same time, I'd much rather tell her face to face, which won't be possible until spring break. I guess I'm just antsy, especially when I talk to her on the phone and I feel that I am about to burst because I want to tell her, but feel so overwhelmingly guilty and scared. I love my mom, and we have a really strong and special bond, and letting her down...well the thought of it makes me want to cry. And I know that I am making the right choice for myself, but I also love my mom and don't want to hurt her, ever. It's like my heart is ripped absolutely in two. And I am sick of having that feeling. 

Song for this: "Say" by John Mayer

Adrift

I am totally lost in myself. I don't know what I want anymore, and that is the most honest expression of what I feel right now. My mom doesn't really believe that, or me, but I am so lost and confused. I used to know what I wanted, 100%, with total surety. Now, my life feels like one introspective song lyric, and I am utterly lost in my own brain. I'm not scared any I need guidance...I hate admitting weakness or asking for help but I see that I need that now.

And all the I really know for sure? 

I want to help people. That's it. 

This isn't how I saw my life going, and this is throwing me through a loop. I can't just rely on myself anymore...it's dizzying how much has changed. I'm exhausted. 

But most importantly? I'm ok. And that's all that matters, one day at a time..or something.

Cliff Faces

"Viruses never really hit us at convenient times."

Convenience doesn't even begin to describe it. I got sick this week, really sick, almost felt like deathly ill at times, still not over it, life altering illness disgustingness. This charming sickness "happened to coincide" not just with my daily life, but with three exams, my tour guide training, classes...it has not been fun, especially the nights when I don't get to sleep because I am coughing so much. 

But if I can be this sick, and still force myself to work hard and do alright...well maybe. Just maybe, I can do anything. 

I guess all of the stuff that has seemed to be an obstacle these past several months (and continuing forward) is making me stronger...which I didn't know I needed but I guess I never asked for my life to be easy. Sometimes I feel like I sign myself up for challenges, like some sort of addiction. And that brings me to my love (or whatever) themed point...sometimes, what we choose, who we choose, is the most difficult choice. There's a saying that you can't help who you like, and I think that that is true to some extent, but I think there is certainly choice involved in who you let drop as a crush and who you truly want in your life for the long haul, and those choices don't always make...sense. I was just talking to one of my best friends, saying how I baffle myself in that I am one of the happiest, most optimistic people I know, yet every boy I have had a vested interest has been so friggin ANGSTY. I'm gonna go ahead and say it's not the opposites attract thing, because I def have my stressed and anxious side. It's more of the fact that I like to find the deeper commonalites, which are stronger than how we act on the surface. 

It's just me, asking for more challenges. And that's what I want?

And that's what I want.

Relief

This has nothing to do with love, or my continuing sickness, or anything pressing that's been on my mind.

This has to do with the rain.

It' s rainy season in California once more. Let me re phrase. It's torrential downpour, flash flood inducing, drenching monsoon season in California. It's when the hills and homes around my own slide right off their own foundations and crash into the valleys below. It's when you hydroplane on your drive home, and you can barely breathe for the amount of rain soaking you to your bones.

It's fantastic.

When the first rains come, it feels like a huge sigh of relief by the actual state. The rain is a welcome respite from the constant, insufferable desert heat waves, intensified by insanity-causing winds and ravaging forest fires that wipe out entire zip codes, entire life histories. Rain is the "oh finally". It may seem extreme to be begging for a flooded lawn and a river for a street. 

But.

The rain in California is like nothing else. It isn't freezing cold, and it doesn't painfully pelt you. It doesn't turn to hail (often) or snow, and it lasts for days and days. Often, we get incredible lightning storms that stay in one place and light up the sky for hours on end. Those are my favorite. The day before I moved to college, I heard thunder clapping outside my window and rushed outside. The air was softly whispering around me, like it was promising rain soon....soon...

I looked up over the adjacent housetops to see streaks of yellow electricity, just for a split second, crack open the inky sky, exposing every wisp of cloud up there. My mom had heard me go outside and joined me, and we stood there for an hour and a half, silently marveling at the lightening that was lighting up the night. It's enchanting, these storms. The rain started to fall ever so softly...and I could feel it...that nascent sigh of relief, almost too quiet to hear saying "oh, finally...the water comes...oh, finally"

I miss that. Watching that rain come, watching it blanket the dead earth and giving the land something to hope for...it's not something you get to experience just anywhere.