Out

I'm suddenly really happy that I am out of high school.

Was everyone this shallow when I was there and I was just oblivious? Or did this happen post-graduation? Was it just my high school that bred this kind of behavior, or was it universal?

Sometimes, I miss being in California. I will never again miss being around the people who somehow lost their reality in favor of pleasure and forgetfulness.

Mist

What is it about the rain? All I can do is stare, and think, and be lost in thought. It's not too helpful when I have lots of bio to read and the skies are as gray as the glaze over my eyes right now. There's just something about the mist, the lack of focus in the outside world and in the sky that makes me lose focus in my own life. I am just ready to think about what could be, what is apart from my daily reality. Is that unhealthy, to think about what could be? Maybe I am setting myself up for disappointment. I'm really unsure of myself in that regard. Life has rarely surprised me with it's magic...thus far. 

With the rain comes to me a peaceful sort of sadness...like I am absorbing all the things that I am lacking in my life, and just accepting them. It's not unpleasant at all. I love being inside when it is raining. The light is beautiful and it smells amazing and the air is so clean. In the best way, it's like this purifying kind of thing. Spring rain has done well by me. 

So. Beautiful, misty day....keep my spirits up. 

I just had a rant in my brain and I figured that I would post it on here and hopefully get it out of my system. I was at a party last night, as I am every weekend it seems. Parties can be really fun, and this particular one was nice because the girl to guy ratio wasn't so incredibly skewed like they can be at frat parties. It's a silly observation, really, but that's besides the point.

My rant is such.

If a girl goes to a party, I guy SHOULD be allowed to dance all up on her. Without asking.

Also, if she doesn't flat out reject him or they dance for more than a few minutes, he is allowed to expect that he can kiss her. 

Or put his hands all over her.

And if she protests, he can just leave abruptly and label her a bitch in the process. And the guy just leaving like that? While typical, it makes the girl feel like crap. Even just for a split second. 

Plenty of girls will contradict me that any of this is a problem. They say it doesn't bother them, it's just how it is, blah blah. Well you know what? I may be "unusual" but I am calling their bluff. No way does it not bother you. If you didn't want to get danced with, you'd forgo the makeup and hair routine, you'd wear baggy clothes, you wouldn't go out. It's a little bit of confidence if a guy finds your ass so appealing that he wants to grind up all in that. Whatever, I never said that college parties were classy. They are what they are. I take them for that.

But I don't think that they are free license for a guy to be a douchebag, and then have it be EXCUSED because "we're at a party." Women are precious. They should be treasured. Maybe, at 19, no one can recognize that yet. It's about sex and quick satisfaction. Call me a prude or a crazy womens rights-er or whatever you want, I am the last person on earth to care about public opinion. I just think that a guy who is all about sticking his tongue down whoever offers or even doesn't offer...isn't who I'm all about being around. Maybe I am limiting myself, especially being a freshman in college...most guys are wanting hookups at parties, even if they are good guys outside that. I am not looking for some marriage proposal. It just doesn't appeal to me. I mean, my roommate even said "Look, a guy who is gonna make out with you at a party is NOT gonna call you."

Well that's crap. 

Be a man. Or accept that you suck. 

That's my piece. Oh and I am in no way an angry person. I am about to go frolic in the sun. :)

Life, Revived

People are always talking about the "best feeling in the world"

Maybe they say it's the rush of adrenaline and accomplishment you get from catching a wave or reaching the top of a mountain. Maybe it's when you fall in love, or when you find your mutuality. Maybe it's when you have it all, you've finally reached your goal, blah blah. 

I don't know about these extreme feelings. I just know that things have been truly going my way recently, and my delight has been contagious. I have been through a lot this year and my struggles are far from over, but I have also gotten a lot in recent events, and it's just...nice. Payoff for my work and pain. And for day to day life...that's the best feeling in the world. 

Instinct

"So why can't you see, you belong with me?"

That's a Taylor Swift lyric, in case you weren't sure. I'm incurably obsessed with T Swift, but that's besides the point. 

That lyric is supposed to mean that she wants this guy to like her blah blah and he should notice her a little...but I was thinking, that could mean so much more. 

Feelings are complicated. Emotions complicate. That's what the general consensus is, which is why it totally frustrates people when I see basically everything as black and white...go with your gut, that's right, the end. The complexities only start when we second guess ourselves and lose what we are sure of in the shuffle. Falling for someone is helplessness, sweetness, wistfulness, and excitement. It's as scary as it is blissful. 

And as for the lyric, well...sometimes we let our overthinking get in the way of what we feel in our guts. Scientists can break love down into dopamine and serotonin all they want; no one fully understands how love works. It's too unpredictable to be pinned down. And things can fall apart when we let our busy thoughts overtake what we feel...sometimes, people just belong together. And I hope that they can give themselves over to their emotions just enough to understand that, and "see" who they "belong with."