Awake

So, Noor's warrior-like dedication to her blog has inspired me, or guilted me, into starting into this again. I hope that I keep at it...I never talk about things in real life, but writing to a computer screen makes me feel like this is private, for some odd reason.

This week, my mom and I got denied any financial aid at BU. It was...an unsurprising blow, I suppose. This means that if I don't decide to go to community college in the fall, I will have to spend my savings, as well as taking money in loans and from my mom. I hate the feeling of asking her to pay for something impossible...I feel so incredibly guilty about it, especialy because I WANT to go back. I like Boston, more because of the friends I made than anything. They are like a second family to me, they have and will protect me and love me when I need it. Don't fool yourself into thinking my freshman year was the basis of perfection, though. I had a hard time, a really hard time, and everything that happened this year has forced me to examine myself and actually figure out what I really want. I've always been the talentless "smart girl", but I never questioned myself. I graduated high school with the utmost confidence in what I could do and where I was going...and with the move, harassment, and difficulty of my first year, I have lost so much of that confidence. Maybe I was a fool to have it in the first place, but my plan and my goals always made me push on through when it was too hard to do so. When my parents got divorced, I just thought about going to college and being the best, and I got through. When I lost friends in high school, I just thought about college, about being a doctor, and I kept going. Everything, all the work, was worth it, and I just got the wind completely taken from my sails this year.

I know now that I WANT to be a doctor. I also know that it is going to be a huge uphill battle for me. I will have to transfer schools, focus on academics, spend a ton of money. Maybe I needed something like this to happen, to give me the drive I have now to reach this. I don't always understand life, but I've come to believe that everything happens for a reason. I'm still searching for my reason. 

Summer has been it's own adventure. It's been really important for me to be home and around familiarity, to heal, to figure out my new and improved "plan". I want to live so many places, and I foresee going back to the east coast someday, but for now, California is my home, and I feel so calm here. No challenge is too big when I can sort out my thoughts at Station 10. 

So, I've learned a lot this year. I made a list of what I've learned, and maybe some of these things are cliche, but they're really important to me, and they're things I NEEDED to know.

1. Surround yourself with people who will love you, no matter how stubborn or insecure or panicky you can get. I never thought I could afford to be choosy with friends, but coming to BU and being surrounded by so many people, choosiness was forced upon me, and I am so grateful. There I met Cara, one of my soulmates who let me live on her floor for a week while I had no place to live. I met Brianne, who lives 10 minutes from my home but I had to go 3000 miles away to find out what an amazing friend she is. I met Jon, who can not talk to me for a month, and when I call, it's like there's been no time elapsed. These are people I have needed to find. I had friends at home who couldn't care about me in the way I needed them to, and I have since faded away from them, to save my own heart. Friendship should be a reciprocal relationship.

2. Don't take family so seriously, especially a cranky old grandfather. My grandfather yelled at me for the first time in my life just a week ago, about events that have happened in the year. I was so upset at first...and then I realized, he's just having a hard time and can't find an outlet for his depression besides me and my mom. I've always hated that there's tons of discrimination in my family...my mom is treated like crap while my uncles are the stars of life. It's BS for sure and it has always bothered me, but I realized that I can't change it, and to just enjoy whomever I can that I'm related to, and let the rest brush off. I'm so happy that my cousin Matt is in LA for a few weeks. He was the only cousin of mine who was actually nice to me at the last family reunion...I was too young and too sober to gain attention from anyone else there. He's an awesome person, as far as I can tell, and I'm grateful that not everyone that I'm not related to has a complex.

3. You have to put more value on yourself than a guy will ever give you. I'm still the dateless wonder, even after a year of college, and yeah, that pisses me off a little. What's so wrong with me, that not ONE guy thinks I'm pretty or interesting or whatever?? I don't know. But I've learned that a lot of "romance", or flirting, is about the guy's ego. Some guys flirt just as a measure of daily life, and most don't think anything of it. Basically, you just have to love yourself about 100x more than a guy can at this point, and then let them do some of the work. If you like me enough, then do something about it. And respect yourself always...this idea of a subservient girl is still an undercurrent in our culture. Girls should be flattered to be chased, and should allow guys to do as they please...especially at parties HA. Gross. Not the feminist ideas I was raised with. 

Dangling preposition. Dang.

4. Listen to yourself. Don't drown your own voice out. Your own instincts know you best...that's just plain fact

5. If you're born and raised in California, you can't handle a Boston weather. Don't kid yourself, as I did. You will get frost on your tear ducts and wind burn on your cheeks, you will slip on ice, you will have wet socks from slush puddles, and you will suffer.

6. Keep going. Remember to hold on to who you are, even when you are in a pit of despair, and if you slip away from yourself...just remember to get yourself back, okay?