Light

There's a very bright, very white light shining on the Charles River from the middle of the BU bridge. It's incredibly noticeable against the inky blackness of the dancing water and the muddled skyline. In a perfect way, it is illuminating the darkness in an impossible fashion. The reflection on the water is almost as bright as the light itself, taunting it, speaking to it's impenetrability.

That water is me.

Sometimes, I worry that I keep nothing a secret. So many know so much, and that idea barely appeals to me. Even as blog topics continually floated into my head this week (and I have many ideas, so stay tuned), I thought, am I too available? Do I give every part of me away in some public free forum?

The answer, simply, is no. I give almost nothing away. Many people could probably recite my activites, my day's actions, my interests, because I share those things with fervor, stories are recited with gusto, etcetera. I love sharing of my surface bits like it is my job. My inner parts, my secrets...those come out rarely. I only am friends with those I feel I can trust, yet even then, I am hesitant to open up in a deeper way. Through my life experiences, I have unconsciously been taught to fear and avoid hurt at any cost, and trying to not be a completely closed off person is a constant struggle. I have to actively remind myself to trust, to love, to give. Even still, I often resist. No one person knows everything about me. Like every human, I am multi faceted.

Sometimes, I fear unpredictability, the unknown, yet I am the epitome of the unpredictable. I have no idea what I'm doing or how to do it, how to live "correctly". I'm just trying to follow my heart and mix in a bit of my logic, and I feel that I can't be led completely astray that way. There are things that are missing from my life, yet I feel a complete picture, with room for addition. Though I don't have it all, I don't feel that anything is imperfect. I feel as whole as I can.

And part of that, of living? Is letting people in. It is one thing to ignore your fear, and quite something else to absorb it all and act anyways, to love without holding back and to dream with everything you have, as Martina McBride says. I can do that. Slowly, I'm learning.

Looking at the light out of my window a little longer, the waves that lap up in the river allow for a bit of the light to shine slightly into the water, below the glassy surface. It's a perfectly rare occurrence, though. I think it's best that way.

Focusing on the paper I have at hand is escaping me, so I decided to focus on this entry, and hope that writing continues naturally from here.

As I hope that my life continues naturally from here.

I have much swirling about in my mind, as usual. Today was a beautiful day, and any weather change always gets my brain stimulated, in a way. I am so content here, and nothing about that has changed. I am working hard for myself, and really, that's the only way that I will succeed. The city is bright tonight, and the view from my window is modestly breathtaking, as I like it. If I turn my head away from the skyline, out the other window, I look upon the thing I want the most but cannot have. How is it that I finally find someone, someone compatible and really unusual and sweet without being saccharine, and I may not have them? It is a cruel irony for anyone to face, but it seems that it is crueler in my case. May I only be allowed one or two happinesses at a time? I feel that there must be a rule or something. And, in the end, are some born to deserve romance, and others may never have it? I suppose I am full of questions that have no answers. I'm just so tired of unrequitement, I really am. Maybe, I just need to fix myself.

Maybe I just need to get out more.

Snowflake Me

Things about me that matter right. now. :

I finally have confidence in my intellectual self again.

I feel very loved.

I'm in love with a guy who is completely off limits.

I'm fully opening my heart up for the first time...ever.

I know what it feels like to have family, lots of family, that cares.

Shakespeare is officially one of my favorites.

And being snuggly, especially with people you love around, is the absolute best feeling on earth.

Today was the first snow of the season, a big, beautiful, blizzardy mess that swirled around us. It's very unexpected and startling, but to me, in a wonderful way. And that's what life really is when it all comes down to it, right?

Inappropriate Excitement.

A part of my new view on life is to really push myself into doing things that are out of my comfort zone, because, for good or for bad, you will learn something when you do. And, you know, probably have fun. Even if you don't, I feel like trying something really uncomfortable won't really be regrettable, because there is accomplishment in doing something atypical.

So, here I am, in my cousin's "big, gross party house" as he calls it. And it really is, complete with inappropriate artwork and wood floors that seem to creak of their own volition. His window is currently, and always, open, leading the room to be a brisk 35 degrees at all times, a problem when you share a bed with a chronic covers-stealer. No doubt, I'm here to see my cousin, and that's what's most important to me. He's the big brother I never got to have, and I'm lucky to have him in my life. It's just been an interesting day thus far, being thrown from a place I am so well known and comfortable at BU, to coming here, where I am completely out of my element. Thankfully, everyone has been really friendly and I'm not drowning in my own awkwardness.

This week was disgusting, and all of my work isn't even done. I suppose this is due date time, if you divide the semester into approximate thirds. That math actually works out beautifully. Anyways...life is overwhelming and wonderful right now. There is never a dull moment, yet I am working my butt off to balance it all and get good grades. Which is starting to take a slight toll on my academic confidence...I really have to work so hard to get any kind of good results, and I feel like my classes aren't traditionally difficult. I even thought I'd finally settled on a solid set of career goals, but then I was listening to Jess talk about what she plans to do postdoctorate, and the doctor dreams began to creep in once more. I used to be so decisive, until the decisions really started to matter. What ridiculous reverse psychology...unlike most college students, for whom sophomore year is something of a "nothing" year, this year will change my life, determine my future...Overwhelming, but wonderful. I should be scared out of my mind, but I'm honestly just ready to work hard and get to the next step but enjoy every split second on the way. Go figure.

The Zen of Money

I'm starting a new blog that I am really excited about, called

studentfinancialservices.blogspot.com

It will consist of contributions from students that I know and that I don't know, sharing their financial struggles in getting through college. I am trying to both expand upon and break the college stereotype of the "broke college student". College culture, as it is often changing, is quite underground, and I think exposing the financial aspect is both appropriate to our current world and important. College kids owe it to themselves to show everyone else that they really live up to being the smartest people, the most current, the most advanced, yet we struggle like everyone else too. For many of us, college is not a bubble.

The blog is a creative outlet for people to share their frustration, delight, anger, and opinions about the thing we both love and hate: money. College is a time of very low income and very high expense, and it's vital that the world see that we are nowhere near oblivious, carefree, or unburdened about the source of our tuition.

This comes directly out of personal struggle. I may have to leave the school I have fallen in love with, to be educated somewhere more affordable. College flies in 4 years, and having to be a freshman all over again will be a burden I do not look forward to. I know that I will be happy where I end up...but money, and the problems it may bring, have been shoved into my face as of late, and this seemed the most constructive way to use my English major and rid myself of frustration. I already feel at more at peace as the blog launches. Updates, coming soon.

A lot like Love

As I spooned Natural super chunk Skippy into my mouth (recommend!), my friend and I were talking about the statistic that 95% of Americans lose their virginity by the age of 25. I find this crazy for no other reason than that I am almost 20, in less than half a year (though who's counting), and for that statistic to be true for me, I'd have to fall in love in 5 years.

That's epic soon.

So anyways, we kept talking, and she told me that she feels that she is falling in love with her current boyfriend, and I told her that that is scary to me. I could NOT imagine being in love at this stage in my life, period. Part of it, of course, is that this is a selfish time in my life, and part of it is that I'm not even dating anyone right now, so that idea is entirely abstract to me. More so, however, the idea of love scares me. I have a big heart and I love a lot of people, often entirely too quickly and fully and easily. It's in my nature to let people in...as friends. Beyond that, I find it too difficult. Being in love with someone, properly at least, requires not only letting them into your heart, but giving them a piece of yourself. Love is a big step, to be cliche, and falling in love, which I believe can only happen with full trust and a truly open heart, is a risk. It is sort of like that team building exercise we have all done at retreats where one person falls and another catches them, to teach absolute physical trust. It's like doing that...but with your heart, with your soul, even.

I can't imagine trusting someone so completely. I am bottled up in many regards, and opening myself so fully to one person...that's giving them a lot. I admire those who feel like they can give of themselves so fully at such a young age, and who have found someone for whom that risk is worth.

And, as for me? I'll be ready. Someday, maybe.