Thanks

Homesickness.

It's one of those buzzwords that we use. "I'm homesick." Everyone should know what it means, and it means so much and so many different things that it's meaning is impossible to pin down. For me, it's incredibly tricky to define. My life is amazing at BU, here in NY, and often, a little less perfect when I am home. It's more real and more dysfunctional at home, and being home for more than a few days usually instigates a pull to leave again.

At the same time, I am terribly homesick today. It was a wonderful Thanksgiving, quite possibly the best I've ever had, with the intersection of family, welcoming, food, warmth, conversation, laughter, naps..I even enjoyed football. Sort of. I enjoyed complaining about people liking football. I was the only girl there, which I loved. I was comfortable and happy and smiling when I wasn't falling asleep. I was with my cousin Matt, who I consider one of my closest friends. It was just...easy, and right.

I almost chose to fly home at the last minute for Thanksgiving. That clearly was a decision I decided not to stay with, as I am writing to you from the Bay Ridge neighborhood of Brooklyn. All that awaited me at home was, frankly, unappealing: tense dysfunction, a family who doesn't really like me, awkward silences, and never enough food. I would have to face some of the problems that have been happening in California, and see people I'm not that enthusiastic about. It would have been extremely exhausting, on top of the exhaustion I have already undergone, and probably somewhat stressful. In the end, I made the right decision to visit in NY, I have no doubt about that.

But I still miss my home. It is where my heart is in many respects. I wouldn't say it's where I feel "most alive" or whatever people say about home, but it is where the people I love the most are. This is my first Thanksgiving away from my mom, my best friend, and even though we rarely have a really enjoyable holiday, she and I have always had each other. Even the year that my sister was in the hospital for Thanksgiving. Even the year that my parents had gotten divorced and my dad wasn't present at the table for the first time. Every year, it has been me and my mom, and that's the best thing.

I guess this stems from my fear that she and I are growing apart as I grow up, forge a life, and am so far away. I am so sure that I made the right decision to go away for school and make my own life, apart from the family I have on the West Coast. I have certainly come alive at Boston, on my trips to New York, at college. I am now the person I always used to WANT to be, and I'm really happy for the first time ever. It's just scary to have your life completely entwined with someone else's, but not be able to see them for so long. I get that 4 months isn't that insanely long of a time, and separating is natural, whatever...I guess that this is just my first taste of a very long separation, and it's surely taking some adjusting. I am not without love in my life or without support, and underneath my sadness, I'm happy.

I'm just a little sad right now.

In the spirit of the holiday, though, I must say what I am grateful for. Here goes.

1. Never wanting, no matter how bad things can seem

2. My family, wherever they may be. I can't even list how many times I heard "Come down, anytime, you are always welcome" tonight.

3. Friends, because they make life fun and funny

4. Who I am, and everyone and everything that has made me that way. Everything including my darkest moments, because I wouldn't be the person I love to be without it all. I know that whatever happens in my life, I have learned early in life how to be strong, and when it's ok to be weak. And that's the best lesson I ever could have learned. I'm admitting my weakness right, which is a mark of my strength in my honesty with myself. I'm learning to open my heart and get hurt more, which seems..stupid, but it's the only way to live without forgetting to feel. Maybe I'm being cliche right now. You know who would understand perfectly?

My mom.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for seeing me. I'm thankful for you, and I'm thankful that tomorrow, I will be ready to face the world anew.

The Storm Always Abates

Every storm has an end, no matter how hard it might be to see when you're being drenched in a downpour and all that is visible is the obscurity of the clouds around you.

You see me sitting here, a smile upon my face
The time has come but you know that it's not too late
There's been too many things, together we have seen
It's not too hard if we start to believe
And we're not gonna take anymore
Can we try to erase all the pain
So please

Show me a reason, give me a sign
Tell me the way we, fall out of line
Is it today or is it tonight?
We'll find, the answer to our life

This world is not at ease, we seem to hide the truth
Thinking there's only so much we can really do
It's up to you and me, to face our destiny
The jury's here so let's take the stand
And we're not gonna take anymore
Can we try to erase all the pain
So Please

Tell me why we have to cry
And not try
When there's so many things we can do
To help this troubled world start a new

I need a reason, I need a sign
There's no turning back I'm here by your side
Is it today or maybe tonight?
We'll find
The answer to our life
Show me the way, give me a sign
Tell me the way we fall out of line
Is it today, is it tonight
The answer to our life

Those are the lyrics to my favorite Backstreet Boys song since 2001, when Black and Blue came out. Not only is the beat insanely catchy, but the words are poetry in their message. The lyrics are vague and poppy, of course, but in the end, they are being somewhat philosophical about why we live, and in the end, it doesn't matter. Fate isn't here to carry us along for a journey; you make your own destiny, and the best thing you can do is work with what you have. Be proactive in your own destiny. Make your own happiness. There is nothing waiting to hand you your joy; you have to make joy, because the only thing that's easy is unhappiness.

This week has been hard. One of the hardest, which is remarkable, considering that I've had weeks spent in hospitals and courthouses, and days where I wasn't sure I'd live to see the sunset. I suppose that this week was completely dependent on me to sink or swim, and I'm still unclear as to which I chose. I hope I swam as much as I could, though there was quite a countercurrent. Regardless, Im still so grateful for every day that I wake up and am alive. It's funny, I pulled an all nighter last night, and I am slightly but expectedly delirious right now. I wasn't that excited about no sleep, but the thought also came to me that at least I was given the gift of being alive, the gift of being able to be awake and healthy and able to work towards a real future for myself. Every day that has crappy weather, when I look awful, when I'm feeling homesick, when people are being annoying..is still a day that I was given. I can choose to be sad and irritated and angry...or I can choose to rejoice that I am here to feel, to love, to learn. I get frustrated when people waste their time on things like constant complaining or on doing things that aren't good for them, good for others. I know that I can't tell people what to do...I just wish that I could. Life is so short, and you only get one to live!

WHY ARE YOU WASTING IT?

Happy Thanksgiving, world.

Keep Holding On

http://music-mix.ew.com/2009/10/09/glee-exclusive-keep-holding-on-avril/

This expresses me now more than words ever could.

Once again, thank you for the music. And thanks, Glee.

In Confidence

What an interesting weekend. It was...so strange. Friday, a partying mood turned into hilarious disgust, wanderlust, and a kind act. Saturday proved stereotypes to be based in truth, that nothing ever lives up to it's hype, and that friends are the greatest late at night. Sunday, today, brings frustration, surprise, and the realization that at the end of the day, that you have to be your own champion...the confident swagga has to come from within.

A very strange weekend, only fitting for one beginning with Friday the 13th.

I lost my mojo today. For a little while, I mean. It's not gone, it's quite back, but it takes work to maintain. I don't know if that is true for everyone but it is true for me. And I love the people who are here to remind me.

So, a bit on confidence. I'm generally thought of as very confident...probably because I'm very assertive and love talking to strangers. And I am, but I'm still human, and I still have insecurities. I guess what I've realized is that no matter who you are, no matter if you are a quiet wallflower or the biggest egoface on the planet, confidence is a slippery slope. With the smallest impetus, one can lose their confidence, an immaterial object that enjoys tricking us into a false sense of security. For true confidence, not arrogance, you have to be fully honest with yourself on your shortcomings AND your strengths. Arrogance is NOT confidence, because a confident person would never put someone else down to make themselves feel better-they don't need to. Arrogance is used to cover up what you see in yourself as failure, and to build a wall between you and the world. Confidence reveals the best in our true selves like a painting. The most confident among us are inclusive because they are secure in who they are, kind because they don't need to be self centered, and friendly because it's a joyful give and take. And they often don't understand youthful "social norms", for those are so often driven by the abundant insecurities of our generation.

These are the people I want around me, and this is the person that I always want to be. Whatever gives you confidence, do it, because you will become a person that makes the world a little brighter. And in a world as dark as our own, don't we need more of you?

Friday the 13th

So.

Tonight, I went out, 100% planning to go to a party and blow off steam. I haven't been out to a party in so long, and I was feeling like I deserved it, for whatever reason. Well...to make an embarrassing story short, I went to the party and it was closed and I called a friend inside but he denied me access...I was incredibly embarrassed. My cool fascade, my mask of perfect confidence, had suffered a severe blow. This seemed to be an irrecoverable offense against my status as a "cool" individual. I was wallowing, I will admit, in my self proclaimed embarrassment.

We crawled over to a friend's dorm to see what was happening...it was hot and smelly, and Kate and I left. It was what happened next that made me smile ear to ear. We were walking by the sports bar where the athletes of BU are known to hang out, and we saw the two hockey captains arguing with this random drunk guy about the color of a bracelet...what the heck?

The second piece was what made my night, what made the last minutes of my Friday the 13th incredibly unusual and truly special. Kate and I saw a girl crying in the hallway, and we were both thinking the same thing: how can we cheer her up? That's not fair for any girl on a Friday night, to be alone in her sadness. So we made up a pack of Twizzlers and jelly beans, and gave it to her...her friend had shown up, and thought we came to complain about the noise. We gave it to her with as little fuss as possible...in the end, I'm not trying to self glorify. If we hadn't come home early, we would not have seen that girl, not had a chance to do a small selfless act. Really, I went to the party for a selfish mean, and I got turned away in the best twist of fate. I hope we cheered her a bit. In the end, I think it did more for me than for her.

This day isn't unlucky at all.

How to Live

I was talking with my mom last night after a friend told me that she isn't coming back to school after this semester. I was already emotionally and physically exhausted, so being hit with this reality was almost too much to bear. When I was talking to my mom, she was saying how good it is that I am so different. And, I really am. College is not about conformity, but about change. You can either become who you think you should be, numbing yourself to your own voices, shouting that are more than you think...or you can change into yourself. I have changed a lot since high school, appropriately. I am still swimming against the current, and more strongly in many ways. And I'm happy. I'm bubbly, as people call it, and that comes from real joy, as I often have trouble projecting an image of myself that is not true. I wear my emotions and where I'm at in life right on my face, I guess.

But freaking out last night...I realized why I can still be happy, even when I'm being different from the norm. I was raised to love who I am, because who I am is never wrong. I have strong morals, strong beliefs, and what I love is to make others happy. I have the confidence of a heart that is in the right place, so I don't have to question what makes me happy. You could die in a month, and knowing that I might not be staying at BU, and seeing first hand how changeable life is, has prompted me to live my life like I have a brain tumor. Each day is a day I would be proud to call my last. Everything could be lost like the snap of a finger, and not cherishing and LIVING each day is spitting in the faces of God and the people who love you. You were given the gift of existing, and your only job in repaying that gift is to live by striving for joy. That can seem so impossible in the darkest moments, but speaking from someone who has lived under a blanket, refusing to move for years, I can tell you that the brightest side is so difficult and so worth it.

As Cara would say, I'm wearing my encouragement hat today.

Demons

Everyone has an opinion on how to face their demons. Some think it's better to face them head on as they come, slaying them like dragons in a King Arthur tale. Others avoid their demons, preferring to not think about them in hopes that they will fade from consciousness. I prefer to face my demons when I need to, to help people that feel the same way. It is the human condition to sometimes feel alone in our struggles, as if no one else feels and experiences the exact same things as us. That is never true, however. Kurt Vonnegut said it best, "Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people don't care about them. You are not alone.' "

In such an academic, affluent school such as mine, it can be easy that people are affected by the hardest of issues. Here, there are people who have struggle with eating disorders, financial hardships, disease, death, and violence. I have struggled with violence on more than one occasion in my life, and it is one of my ghosts, haunting me in my quiet moments. I fill up my days with small joys so I don't have to reflect on the hard pieces of my life, but I am also realistic about facing what I have been dealt.

And I want to use that. It is important to me that I act to my best ability, so that I am doing the best I can to spare others from the things I have seen, the things I've experienced. I felt like Superchild in high school, I did it all, and in college, doing that is less than easy. I guess I just got tired of watching the goals and passions of others being realized while I hung out and was...jealous. I'm now working with our Women's Center on campus to fight back. My demons are not something I'm willing to allow to steer my life. Domestic violence is my issue, and fire is in my heart.

Finally, I truly hope, I will be making a difference.

Heroes

Truly, nothing calms me down than beautiful acoustic music. A few strings on a guitar, and I feel everything tense within me just...settle.

I've had a few anxieties as of late, about "the future" and about school, such normal things that college students typically deal with. I find it quite easy to Ce La Vie, but not in a resigned way. I am actively enjoying my life. For a girl who often finds herself overwhelmed by her own head, it's actually a struggle to relax, if that makes any sense. I'm just finding the things that give me joy, or even just bits of happiness, and I stick with them. For me, it really is that simple.

Halloween was yesterday, meaning today is 364 days till the next one. I think November 1 may be my most favorite day of the year, then. I'm not a huge fan of the "college halloween", though my costume was great..Amelia Earhart, one of my personal heroes.

Just in case you were wondering, my personal heroes are:

Amelia Earhart, for her courage and persistance at a goal that was literally impossible.

Grace Kelly, for her ability to have incredible grace under pressure, and to be able to always be a lady, even being polite would be irrelevant to most people.

Dolly Parton, for her humor and ability to ignore the naysayers and the negative people all around her, even when it was so difficult to do so.

And, my mom, for raising me to be so quirky and unusual. It's not always easy being different, but in the end, I'm happier this way.

Anyways...I am trying to not live with regrets, but it's tough sometimes. I think about things I could have done differently, or better, constantly. But I'm human and I'm learning and FINALLY I am actually changing myself in accordance with the learning..it's like, you learn something in your head, and you know it, but a piece of you refuses to take it in totally and adapt but I am doing it now. So proud of myself. I'm opening myself up more! Not that I am super sharing girl, I'm just emotionally more open. And, yeah, that means more vulnerable. But I'm not afraid anymore. I can't be, because I want connections and I want love and maybe someday...I want to be in love? Oh boy that's a big step. Let's go one day at a time for now.

Also, I love my room. I felt like sharing that. It's the perfect amount of space for a single and it's bright and clean and cluttered in a homey way. I do not like the laundry in the corner. Go away! Clean yourself!

I must adjourn my post for today. No deep social observations this time around.

Although, look for this week's social conversation: girls. Why are they so nice when they don't know you but they know your suitemate? Also, why is everything a threat? And why do girls want to look sexy but have an excuse to not be labelled...promiscuous? I think this week will be a series on the girl psyche. Look out!