No white knight

I FIGURED IT OUT.

Myself, I mean. I figured myself out. Ok so I always said I don't know what I believe, but I don't think that I believe in love...love seems so. Eh. And I just always kept myself so protected all the time and every guy I met became my friend and nothing more and I just got so TIRED all the time and nothing mattered, romance was a distant idea that happened to other people but never to me BUT NOW I UNDERSTAND.

I always thought..no, knew, that love was possible and real and something that happened. I always just thought of it in the abstract, never something personal that could actually happen to me. I didn't realize it until now, but I just honestly did not think about anything actually coming true for me and THAT'S why I felt so alone and so jaded. But I get it now. And I don't think it's impossible for me, though I can't pretend that all my walls have been torn down in a matter of minutes. 

But, for me, and for every girl out there, this is what I really believe:

Chivalry is not dead. It just has an ulterior motive.

(He's opening that door because he was actually raised well...or he thinks you're pretty. Or a little of both.)

Romance is not lost. You just have to have enough hope to really believe in it.

(So proven)

Magic is real. Just don't look to disprove it, and it will overtake your life. 

(I have managed to never lose my sense of wonder. I find magic in too much, because being amazed has never hurt me, while refusing to believe is never pleasant.)

Sure, it's lovely to be taken care of and feel rescued, but that is always your own responsibility first, and a luxury when someone else is willing to help you. As I get older, I realize that you will be treated as you demand to be treated. I understand the male brain very well, and girls that think I'm sad and mistaken and destined for loneliness...they don't get it, yet. I hope that they do someday. Do whatever makes you feel amazing...and I'm not going to judge whatever that is. If you love who it makes you, then don't ever stop. 

And that's what I figured out, when I got hurt today. Yes, I'm a little tired of having bad situations that force me to learn things but I am grateful that I can learn something and...well...someday, maybe, it will all be worth it. I have to believe that too. Someday, maybe.

1957

I don't know who's seen when Harry Met Sally, it's an older romantic comedy made before rom-coms were a treat for the actor to make and a guilty pleasure for their all female audience. There's a quote in it, said by the male lead, about how "men and women can't be friends without sleeping with each other. It just can't be done." The female lead argues with him, of course, and in the end, these two friends do end up being together...typical movie plot, but I feel that this idea stems from a social convention not often thought about in these thoroughly modern times. Can people of the opposite sexes be friends, merely platonic friends, infinitely? Must it always begin or end in romance, or at least attraction?

My view on things is always a little off the idea of social norms, so the following will be no exception. I think it's possible, totally possible, and I use myself as an example. My first thought is, what motivates friendship? I treat those that I want friendship with in a pretty different way than those I with which I want something more. I'm no indiscriminate flirter (maybe that's my problem), and I am careful with the distinction. I've surprised some people by saying that I have close friends who happen to be guys and yes, we spend one on one time together because that's often how I hang out with people. But can't that just mean that I enjoy their company and what they have to say without wanting them? I think so. 

I've also noticed that there seems to be some instinctual, perhaps archaic view on this matter. The division between genders has blurred in recent years, and friendship vs dating is not so black and white. Friends sleep with each other, while people who have dated can become the closest on a platonic level. Everything is a gray area now, especially when it comes to relations between people. So why is there still this almost completely universal belief, at least on a subconscious level, that a guy and a girl can't be friends without something between them? Whenever I'm with a guy, a friend, and it's just us two, there's always the assumption that we're together. I understand that that is often the case, but when I see a guy and a girl walking together without holding hands or whatever body language....I just don't assume that. 

Maybe I'm always a little different, but in talking to many people about this, the idea seems to be universally accepted that "just friends" is never a complete reality, that there's never complete equality. Hmm

In the end, I love my friends completely, whichever gender they are. To me, it's about personality and how I jive with a person, not attraction or wanting a friend of one gender of another. I do allow that in many cases, a one sided attraction leads to an eventual friendship, and I'm also a firm believer that the best relationships stem from the closest friendships. But a friend is a friend, so get over this idea that platonic is never platonic between different genders. It's possible, and it's a reality. 

Simple

I have finally caved and created a Twitter, to catch the many random thoughts I have all day. I see it as an exercise in writing succinctly and organizing my thoughts.

Classes continue, and are as easy as I expected...perhaps easier. It's like being back in high school, and I hate the slight feeling of being patronized when I am there. It's not like the students aren't smart, but I am not being challenged enough. I finally got the inevitable question and accompanying eye roll of "You're one of those smart girls, aren't you?" Yeah, because that's exactly how I feel right now. Not. I feel really stupid, or at least I have felt that way, but I am also starting to feel like GPA is just another number that doesn't express who I am. I know that it's important for my future, and I will bring that number up to more fully express myself, but...my grades have always been the most important thing to me, and going through this time of not being the best in that regard has forced me to put my self worth in other things, such as the fact that I am an amazing friend. I was too one faceted when I focused so severely on school. Yes, I still wish I had done better, and yes, I plan to do whatever it takes to achieve my goals from now on but...I also see that there's a lot to me, and the lack of perfection in academics doesn't make me as worthless as I've been feeling. 

Recent life has been incredibly busy, with both school work and fun things. Liz and I had an adventure in LA, going to Amoeba and getting thebestpizzaever at Lucifer's in Los Feliz, where we also met the guitarist from a band called Ellie Sky (they're pretty good and still unfamous, so check them out). I went to Palm Springs over the weekend to visit Kate and stay with her family...her house is beautiful, but it still couldn't make up for the fact that we melted in the 115 degree heat every time we ventured outside. It was really fun though, and the long solo drive there and back gave me plenty of time to think about some things. I even called my mom on the way home to tell her how grateful I am to have her in my life. I realized that she is so important to me because we have such a good relationship...somewhere between mother/daughter and best friends. She makes me feel so safe and protected...and I know that whatever happens with this coming year, it will be okay because she will be there the whole time. She always says that she missed me dearly when I moved to school, but that was one of the hardest things for me-to not have her right in front of me when I was feeling so alone and scared. 

The car ride also gave me a chance to reflect on my Friday. In the evening, I went with Brianne and her parents to the Hollywood Bowl. It was such an amazing night all around...we sat in box seats next to a tv director and had dinner in the amazing weather, then watched the show-Mancini, a personal favorite, topped off with fireworks that seemed to explode right over my head. I was in love...this is one of the things I love about living in LA. Later that night, I went to one of my close friend's birthday party, and most people know how I feel about parties. (I hate them, it's "one of my quirks".) This particular gathering was especially awkward because a guy that has broken my heart about 5000 times over was there...and I shocked myself when I realized that I was genuinely having fun. I was laughing a lot and it was just ridiculous, as it often is when I am stone sober and others are...not so. I wasn't left to flounder awkwardly, I had someone to talk to at all times, and it was just very laid back. I wasn't even THAT annoyed when the aforementioned heart breaker decided to throw a ping pong ball at me. (Although, honestly, are we 7 years old? Are you gonna pull my pigtails, too?) I'm even in some guy's "cool book", whatever that means.

The busy-ness continues this week and weekend and so on. Tomorrow should be fun, free show at the Armand Hammer museum with Liz...I guess I better dress like a hipster for that one :). This weekend, I get to see my friend from BU (!) for tacos and a Dodger game, because we like cliches. Then it's the weekend with my favorite semi relative...which includes being dragged to Harry Potter?!?!?! Ugh. Here we go.

Awake

So, Noor's warrior-like dedication to her blog has inspired me, or guilted me, into starting into this again. I hope that I keep at it...I never talk about things in real life, but writing to a computer screen makes me feel like this is private, for some odd reason.

This week, my mom and I got denied any financial aid at BU. It was...an unsurprising blow, I suppose. This means that if I don't decide to go to community college in the fall, I will have to spend my savings, as well as taking money in loans and from my mom. I hate the feeling of asking her to pay for something impossible...I feel so incredibly guilty about it, especialy because I WANT to go back. I like Boston, more because of the friends I made than anything. They are like a second family to me, they have and will protect me and love me when I need it. Don't fool yourself into thinking my freshman year was the basis of perfection, though. I had a hard time, a really hard time, and everything that happened this year has forced me to examine myself and actually figure out what I really want. I've always been the talentless "smart girl", but I never questioned myself. I graduated high school with the utmost confidence in what I could do and where I was going...and with the move, harassment, and difficulty of my first year, I have lost so much of that confidence. Maybe I was a fool to have it in the first place, but my plan and my goals always made me push on through when it was too hard to do so. When my parents got divorced, I just thought about going to college and being the best, and I got through. When I lost friends in high school, I just thought about college, about being a doctor, and I kept going. Everything, all the work, was worth it, and I just got the wind completely taken from my sails this year.

I know now that I WANT to be a doctor. I also know that it is going to be a huge uphill battle for me. I will have to transfer schools, focus on academics, spend a ton of money. Maybe I needed something like this to happen, to give me the drive I have now to reach this. I don't always understand life, but I've come to believe that everything happens for a reason. I'm still searching for my reason. 

Summer has been it's own adventure. It's been really important for me to be home and around familiarity, to heal, to figure out my new and improved "plan". I want to live so many places, and I foresee going back to the east coast someday, but for now, California is my home, and I feel so calm here. No challenge is too big when I can sort out my thoughts at Station 10. 

So, I've learned a lot this year. I made a list of what I've learned, and maybe some of these things are cliche, but they're really important to me, and they're things I NEEDED to know.

1. Surround yourself with people who will love you, no matter how stubborn or insecure or panicky you can get. I never thought I could afford to be choosy with friends, but coming to BU and being surrounded by so many people, choosiness was forced upon me, and I am so grateful. There I met Cara, one of my soulmates who let me live on her floor for a week while I had no place to live. I met Brianne, who lives 10 minutes from my home but I had to go 3000 miles away to find out what an amazing friend she is. I met Jon, who can not talk to me for a month, and when I call, it's like there's been no time elapsed. These are people I have needed to find. I had friends at home who couldn't care about me in the way I needed them to, and I have since faded away from them, to save my own heart. Friendship should be a reciprocal relationship.

2. Don't take family so seriously, especially a cranky old grandfather. My grandfather yelled at me for the first time in my life just a week ago, about events that have happened in the year. I was so upset at first...and then I realized, he's just having a hard time and can't find an outlet for his depression besides me and my mom. I've always hated that there's tons of discrimination in my family...my mom is treated like crap while my uncles are the stars of life. It's BS for sure and it has always bothered me, but I realized that I can't change it, and to just enjoy whomever I can that I'm related to, and let the rest brush off. I'm so happy that my cousin Matt is in LA for a few weeks. He was the only cousin of mine who was actually nice to me at the last family reunion...I was too young and too sober to gain attention from anyone else there. He's an awesome person, as far as I can tell, and I'm grateful that not everyone that I'm not related to has a complex.

3. You have to put more value on yourself than a guy will ever give you. I'm still the dateless wonder, even after a year of college, and yeah, that pisses me off a little. What's so wrong with me, that not ONE guy thinks I'm pretty or interesting or whatever?? I don't know. But I've learned that a lot of "romance", or flirting, is about the guy's ego. Some guys flirt just as a measure of daily life, and most don't think anything of it. Basically, you just have to love yourself about 100x more than a guy can at this point, and then let them do some of the work. If you like me enough, then do something about it. And respect yourself always...this idea of a subservient girl is still an undercurrent in our culture. Girls should be flattered to be chased, and should allow guys to do as they please...especially at parties HA. Gross. Not the feminist ideas I was raised with. 

Dangling preposition. Dang.

4. Listen to yourself. Don't drown your own voice out. Your own instincts know you best...that's just plain fact

5. If you're born and raised in California, you can't handle a Boston weather. Don't kid yourself, as I did. You will get frost on your tear ducts and wind burn on your cheeks, you will slip on ice, you will have wet socks from slush puddles, and you will suffer.

6. Keep going. Remember to hold on to who you are, even when you are in a pit of despair, and if you slip away from yourself...just remember to get yourself back, okay?

Quotes I Love, continued

"I got more rhymes than toubbeleh has parsley."-Jason Jones "i didnt watch the game though because there was a high school musical sing along dance along that i couldnt miss" jess wise, georgia Costco: I'm just gonna have 7 children to justify buying 20 bars of soap at one time. Cheesus? Well, if we go on the ebay and he's only worth 20 cents, we're probably just gonna eat him. The Altomonte family, Burger King, '96: "Omg, chicken nuggets. ON THE FLOOR." "Mom, the floor isn't the issue...*looks up*" "And that's when I saw the cheeseburger stuck to the ceiling" "I want to get an orange dot on my ankle so ppl can be like wtf is that? It's an orange wtf do you think!" "She had no pulp, some pulp, and lots of pulp. That's like...crazy shit." "I don't really...subscribe to any labels." "This is not a cab!! I'm not mad."-Nick, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist "weed doesn't make you lazy. lazy people are lazy." "you caught me and I caught you" "You're just having fun and then you get decapitated. It sucks." "that's why you need a LOT of guys. so you can choose which one's best. don't you agree?" "please remove your boobs from my hands" "neva say no to free pills. neva." (out of context) "the bitch SMILED AND WAVED! what a freakin jerkface!""yeah that's fucked up" -and then I crashed into a pole, it was great -hahah omg I love that about you "Go to the right if you want fries, go to the left if you want democracy" "It's like an alien dropped his pants and sat on a Xerox machine...life is short, you have to take your pleasures when you can"-Ernie/Dill love/?=undefined-cara I can't believe you just called me honey bunches of oats. chance doesn't give a shit about what you believe caitlin:silly goose me:that is the most true thing anyone has ever said about me love makes me feel like a confused stoner "well, I didn't put drugs in the lollipops...so I can't be sure"-night guard/bffl I don't want to open my eyes from a kiss and not see your smile in front of me. I just..don't. "You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills." "You have to promise that you won't fall in love with me" "That shouldn't be a problem."A Walk To Remember "You are remembered for the rules you break." -MacArthur

Manifesto

I hope to someday fall in love. I hope to change lives, in small ways, for the better.I hope that I may always learn. I hope to find strength in everything, no matter how hard the situation. I hope to never lose my hope, for that would be the greatest loss of all. And remember: everyone, no matter who they seem to be, has a story to tell and something to teach you.