Prizes

I went to CollegeFest today with a few friends. It's like a big convention for college students in our area, it gets people from all over and Hellogoodbye was playing so we went. I got a bunch of free stuff and took a photo with the band so all in all, success.

One thing has been bothering me, however.

There was an MTV Spring Break-esque contest on the main stage that involved two strangers making out with each other to win...something. The main stage was near a hair products booth, which was pushing a new men's hair gel that was infused with pheromones to get women into bed. That's literally what the advertisement said.

I'm curious, and a little offended, and mostly confused. Is this what my generation has evolved into? It is something of a devolution, a breakdown in social protocal and even a sense of decency..or privacy.

We have completely, utterly, lost our sense of privacy. Our entire lives are the right of the public to view, influence, and view again. No one has secrets anymore, or even just the ability to be a private person, without a good deal of effort on their part to maintain closed doors. It's impossible to have your "business" not advertised, since we are so hyper social, between texting and facebooking and gmail and every outlet we have to express ourselves and build relations..and share. Share every part of ourselves, like we have nothing to keep within, to keep to ourselves, like we are public property, like equipment for Public Works.

Well, I don't want to be a traffic cone. If I must be a part of this world that is a nonstop Twitter feed of live updates and TMI and friendsfriendsfriends on your video chat screen, then I prefer to be a yield sign. Be as involved as much as you want in the social matrix, and involve me as well. I am not oblivious to the world that my generation has created, nor do I refuse to dwell within it. I am an avid texter and love sharing photos on facebook. However, I also choose phone calls over any quick email and would rather walk to a person to see them than IM them from my empty dorm. Maybe the world takes more effort now, to keep up, to be a real part. I guess I just feel that there are some things that must always be kept private, so that we not accidentally give away every part of ourselves to the rest of the world, until we have nothing left for ourselves.

Personally, I don't make out with anyone, let alone in public, let ALONE a stranger. I think romance comes of moments that don't happen everyday, and if we cease to allow our moments to be special and unique, we cease to have our dreams for them to happen. What motivation do we have to look for the special seconds in our lives, if we never make anything special to begin with? Life is difficult, it is fleeting, and it is not designed to give us pleasure for nothing. It is our responsibility to look for the beautiful, the amazing, and the different in our moments, because no one else is going to do it for us. I hope that my generation has not completely lost their sense of wonder amidst the brutality, the bitterness, that is our sense of instant satisfaction, gratification for pleasure's selfish sake, and the general roughness that often surrounds us.

I do not wish to return to a softer time. I wish to take away the fear and anxiety and early growing up from my own time.

My final success from CollegeFest? I got a little inspirational sign. It says "Dare to be naive." Dare to be naive. Dare to be trusting. Dare to like, to love. Dare to be fearless. Dare to save your pieces for someone, for something, for yourself, for a time when it matters to be a revelation. Dare to give yourself some value. Dare to have a voice. I did.

Puzzlement

You know what I was thinking?

I don't really fit perfectly into any label.

I'm too stubborn and rough to be girly.

I'm too serious to be a dude.

I'm too in love with clothes to be a tomboy.

I'm too in love with nature to be delicate.

I'm too clumsy to be considered graceful.

I love to dance too much to care.

I'm too American to be fully Arabic.

I'm too Arabic to love hot dogs.

I'm too smart to not care.

I'm not smart enough to make school my entire life.

I'm wealthy enough to be very comfortable.

I'm not wealthy enough to be able to not think about it.

I love rain too much to love a desert.

I love the beach too much to leave CA for long.

I am a ridiculous paradox and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

listing to one side

I am posting a list here instead of finishing up my essay.

...because I am in denial of my essay, love lists, my cousin isnt answering his phone, and feel like sharing.

Things I miss

1. far off friends

2. aforementioned cousin, along with a couple others

3. my home-bed

4. unlimited Trader Joe's snacks

5. the fancy coffee maker

6. my bloofle/dog

7. the sunrise over the mountains

8. 10 minute away favorite place

9. the stars

10. strawberry preserves

11. tacos

Things that are keeping me alive

1. closer friends

2. my classes..truth

3. dancing

4. unlimited amounts of ill gotten tea

5. Glee and Top Chef

6. this Indian summer

7. prospects. hopefulness.

What I am, currently

1. happy

2. with bangs

3. the therapist

4. content with myself...finally!

5. busy buzzy bee

6. on beat

Things I am living by

1. each day not getting hit by a truck is a gift

2. someone tackling you hurts

3. avoid getting tackled

4. smiling is good, but it's ok to scowl if you feel like it

5. always allow to be surprised

6. seasonal parties and parties for no reason WIN

7. dopamine is your friend, don't suppress

8. there's always more to know

9. laugh. at yourself, at others, at yourself.

10. falling in love isn't...a total...myth...

11. skirts + wind = no

Love early, love often, and write it all down so you never forget.

Office Space

"True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. " ~Dave Tyson Gentry

That is my favorite quote about friendship, since awkward silences are such a large part of my existence, it seems. I have spent years grappling with the void that is silence, if I should fill it or let it be, think more or speak more...and a friend really is someone I can say everything to, yet can say very little because that is all that I need, their understanding transcends language.

Friends are a slippery sort of thing to understand, I suppose. They are obligated to do nothing and everything all at once, and the way we see ourselves is reflected and dramatized to an incredible degree in the friends that we choose. If I may be flip, I choose attractive, confident friends because I believe myself to be attractive and confident. In all seriousness, however, I must admit to doing something unkind to every friend that I allow in my closer confidence. I will admit it here and, perhaps, never again, and this is to be taken with utmost weightiness.

In the office that is my brain canals, I file. I file my friends and put them into categories. I apply post its to them, write notes in their margins, and keep detailed scribblings on our relationship like some insane executive assistant (a secretary, to those who never moved past the 1970s political correctness movement.) I would never say that I prioritize my friends, or assign them labels past "acquaintance" and "friend", which is an important difference.

But I do annotate, and with great attention and frequency.

For you see, I must adjust myself in accordance to the friend, for we are not all alike.

Some notations make me a little sadder than others. "Unreliable" or "too busy for own good" usually means that I must not expect plans or much attention from this person, though I love them for the time they can give. "Gossipy" means my confiding slips must be kept to a minimum. "Immature" means that I must dismiss much of their behavior upon observance.

There are good notes, of course. "Amazing listener" means that I have found a kindred soul with whom to ponder life. "Protective" is a newer one for me, and one I am coming to appreciate more and more, as having someone go out of their way to ensure your safety and comfort is very high on the list of being accepted fully and with love. "Inclusive" is one I feel safe to say I give a majority of my friends, for I only keep files on people I have in my life, and I choose not to keep those that take away from me...in the cabinet. That's a self saving method I have learned recently, and it has made me even more grateful for the files...the friends...that I have now.

Usually, I don't openly admit my inspiration for an entry, no matter how transparent it might be. I feel that a reader seeing my process disrupts from the thoughts of the content itself, but for this entry, I must digress from this pattern. I was inspired by a friend tonight, appropriately enough. I name no names, but this friend...it's been a very interesting and rapid friendship curve from the beginning of the school year. I saw in this person a great desire for a friend and confidante, and I am always happy to oblige someone who wants that. Friend A has proven to be an amazingly good friend in every way, save for one, which I have just recently realized. Friend A is entirely too busy to live A's own life without complete insanity, so having friends is another addition to the madness. I am learning to not be upset about cancelled plans, not sigh over the inability to hang out in any reasonable manner, but accept the amazing person for who they are and savor the moments I get. And to stay busy myself, as to not feel completely misused, like some sad Troll doll.

And, above all, I am thankful for the gift of each person, for whatever gifts they each give to me. I hope that I give back to them in the best ways.

Just don't

I hate assholes. I can't behave myself at all around them. They are the kryptonite to my politeness and my exception to every rule.

Because

What gives you the RIGHT to act like you are so above everyone else that you can be snide and condescending without consequence? What god came down and appointed you supreme director of the world, of my life? Or did you just decided that you could treat people like less than ants, because you just felt like it?

I might be ranting but..if you want to see another side of me, not the emotion-rich, perky, outgoing, happy go lucky girl that most people see, then just be an asshole to me or to someone I love. Just a warning, I don't do well with keeping my mouth shut.

Hopeless

I was born in the wrong era, for I am a hopeless romantic. I don't get it. I don't understand the culture of my generation. Why do we share our physical selves, and thus, bits of our souls, in a bout of spontaneity and possible intoxication? This intoxication may build off substances, exhilaration, surroundings, perhaps the air itself...which may link back to substances... But I joke in a serious matter. Do my peers swiftly enact their carnal desires for a quick "dosing" of serotonin, like some sort of recreational drug? Perhaps it makes them feel accepted, or attractive, or dangerous. And I am no sea slug, immune to the siren call of my own desires. I am human and driven by my instincts as much as by my own intellect, but my intellect seems to want to drive my instincts unrelentingly. I can't help feeling that a burst of physicality is nothing close to what I want. That kind of closeness, intimacy, I can only help but want to save for those I am close to, those I am willing to give a part of myself to. Because it is a piece of yourself, that kiss or whatever it is, no matter how immune you might feel to its connective power. I cannot kiss someone and then walk away without exchanging a very small piece of myself with them. These moments are not fleeting, unimportant cracks in our lives; these moments are the parts of exchange we have when we are so close to someone that we want to share it in a very heterosexual way.

I just wish everyone could see the specialness in it.

Torn

Maybe I made a grave mistake. I came back, and maybe that was the wrong choice. I didn't think I'd fall so completely in love with being here and I am seeing that it is going to be so incredibly painful to leave. I know that I can't really think about it at this point, and I have the whole year in front of me, but I an already feel the sense of being ripped away too soon. My plan was never to transfer...I remember that being suggested to me, and I said that I would NEVER transfer.

I guess you never know what's going to happen.