Please, the "nothing new there" comments are unnecessary. I know that I worry a lot more than a lot of people, and a lot less than many others... I have plenty of reasons to be worried. This one? Well, usually I am pretty nonspecific in my blog. But I need to get this OUT of me, before I explode, and it's kind of late in California and...it's messy is all. I have to tell my mom that I don't want to be what she wants, that I have changed my entire life path and I know that it is going to disappoint her and that...scares me. More than anything in the world, I want my mom to be proud of me, but I can not keep doing something I no longer love and I no longer want to do. I used to be so passionate about medicine, but I have learned a lot in college, including the fact that I would probably make a great doctor. I have the toughness, the memory, the compassion, and the drive. It just isn't what I want anymore, period, and that's the full truth. I'm just worried about telling her, and I want to do it NOW and get it the frick over with, but at the same time, I'd much rather tell her face to face, which won't be possible until spring break. I guess I'm just antsy, especially when I talk to her on the phone and I feel that I am about to burst because I want to tell her, but feel so overwhelmingly guilty and scared. I love my mom, and we have a really strong and special bond, and letting her down...well the thought of it makes me want to cry. And I know that I am making the right choice for myself, but I also love my mom and don't want to hurt her, ever. It's like my heart is ripped absolutely in two. And I am sick of having that feeling.
Song for this: "Say" by John Mayer
3 comments:
As a fellow worrier, the best thing to do is tell your Mom as soon as you can. I doubt she will be disappointed in you because of the special bond you two have. What career path are you leaning towards now?
Pre law. I still want to help people, I just don't want my brain to explode in the process.
worrying is absolutely 100% normal. i know things are so so so much easier said than done, but first, please breathe! secondly, of course, best of luck telling her. to be honest, she probably will feel hurt immediately. whenever shocking news goes to parents, i think that's just how they react-with an ouch. but time will heal, and she'll see that doctor, lawyer, whatever, you've really pushed and applied yourself. and she'll be proud of you. ultimately (and i know it sounds corny and yes, i did get it from a Ziggy cartoon) the purpose of our lives is to be happy. please don't cheat yourself out of happiness just to spare feelings of anyone, even when they mean a lot to you. (definitely doesn't fall into the happy-by-killing people category, so don't get crazy ideas)
i know that anything that i feel remotely guilty or nervous about, to tell my parents turns into an overwhelming ordeal too. so if you just inch into it... could be easier than word vomit..
text often if overwhelmed please!
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