Packets

Four packets of sugar. No, five. Five will turn to six soon. This is endless, this tea pot. If this tea pot continues to give and give, I won't object. Not at all. Fill me up. Something should fill me up.

Wait.

I can't drink this anymore. I'm full. But I was always full, wasn't I? I was trying to make room, I was looking for something to fill a gap that didn't ever exist. I am not a piece of a person, and I haven't been for quite some time.

Is this what loneliness has done to me? I created a hole I didn't have, and tried to shove something to fill it, but it just can't be that way! None of my fillers will fit! Not that "friend", not that new habit, not a new style. Nothing can fit a hole that doesn't exist.

I was searching voraciously to be redeemed and to be made new, to be a person no one could recognize, all the while being dragged under the waves. I know who I am much too well to try to change into someone I'm not. I guess my subconscious just knew about it before I did.

You can't be someone you're not. "Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go." Sometimes, the best way to love yourself is to let go of what you think you need, you think you have, you think you deserve, and realize that you can love people for exactly who they are, even if THAT is not what you want at the time. There's something real and different about love that isn't what you are looking for or what you expect because, honestly? We don't get what we're looking for, or what we think we deserve. We get what we get. You can't force a square to be round, and you can't force those who walk into your life to be someone else, someone you envision. Love them, or be brave enough to let them go.

And the thing I yearn for the most is the thing I will never get: an average, normal life. You know why? I'm neither. As much as I struggle with that, as much as I hate it...I am neither normal nor average. I'm going places...or I'm trying pretty hard, anyways. I love more deeply, yell louder, laugh longer, and cry harder than almost anyone I know. Life is...it's enough for me, because I make it more than it is. I feel life completely, unapologetically. I can't be normal, as nice as that might seem.

Ok....

Ok....

I'm back to my tea. I'm back to this place of crowds, of roaring whispers, of knowledge and of work. I am whole, totally me, quirky, original, weird. But me, and totally me.

Maybe, though. Maybe there's a little bit of room, here, where I am larger than life...for you.