What the Marianas Trench has to do with Me.

The deepest point of the ocean is the Marianas Trench, which is almost 7 miles deep, covered entirely in water. If you got even halfway down in this watery canyon, you would be crushed by the combination of atmospheric and water pressure. Incredibly, life exists at the very bottom. Yes, we have been able to explore, which really denotes how there is not one spot that we can say is truly untouched on Earth.

Besides being a trivia fact, this is automatically the image I think of when I think depth, and life, and reality. I grew up next to the ocean, so most of the facts that I learned at a young age had to do with marine life and tides and wave patterns. One of the best lessons I learned at a very young age was phrased as a warning, "Never turn your back to the ocean." In other words, life is incredibly unpredictable, so use your sight and whatever wisdom you have to prepare for it, and that's really all you can do. You can't stop the waves from coming and knocking you over, but that doesn't mean you avoid plunging in, as we learned in many undertoes, riptides, and failed attempts to body surf. We were kids: stupid, forgetful, and happy.

The Marianas Trench has always fascinated me for this reason, since the ocean is such a big piece of me. Whenever life seems overwhelming, but incredible in how much one human can experience, I think of this place. It's scary to be human. It's scary to cry for no reason, to be overwhelmed with someone's kindness, and to feel completely eaten up in those feelings. It's scary to trust someone, and it's scarier when you have no one to trust. I have always wanted to experience the trench, just to be afraid, so afraid that I wake from the stupor that I feel I am often in. To be over that deep, deep hole, an unsolvable equation, and marvel at its incredible depth, and how that depth barely touches the depth each person has to feel, feel...everything.

I crave humanity, because it is so real and it must be the only way to feel alive. What is it, to crave humanity? It is to crave everything that makes us...be able to feel. To feel awful and to feel wonderful, it is all humanity. And I know that I am alive, that I have a pulse, when I am most ridiculous and shouting meaningless sentences, but also when I am able to be right next to someone as they experience deep pain, then realize that they can survive their worst nights. I am the hand they hold, and the strength they draw on. It seems strange even to me, to say that this darkness makes me feel alive, but I guess it is the ability to be resilient that is my favorite human trait. The ability to be stupid, even. To be rash, spontaneous, to run head-on into embarrassment and certain risk, but to not care. THAT is humanity. To see the deepest trench in the world, and to be scared out of my mind of the depth and the crushing potential and to still want to be there and absorb that fear? I can't imagine anything more human.

Sometimes, when I am feeling very elementary, I metaphorize myself as the ocean. Sometimes, I am on the shore, not willing to go beyond the surface. Other times, I am in complete, stormy chaos, and still other times...I am at the bottom. I am my deepest trench, overwhelmed with the reality that this wonderful and terrible world is.

I guess...everything has been feeling very real, lately. I'm not explaining myself very well, but I believe that that is where the power of this moment lies-it's inability to be explained. Last night, I started crying over something seemingly small. A sweet gesture, inarguably so, but nothing earth-shattering...but it was so real, and so what I needed, I couldn't stop my visceral reaction. And really? I don't know why I cried. I can figure it out, but from a girl who never cries...it felt truly amazing. Those tears were my ocean, my salt water healing.

It felt human.

It felt alive.

And, as much as I am trying to avoid rambly, diary-type posts...I can't help but share this one. Maybe it's frivolous of me.

Maybe...it's just human.