Punching Bag

I've been doing a lot of punching lately.

And kicking, for that matter.

I've taken up boxing with a punching bag at the gym as of late, and it is the most incredible, addicting stress reliever. It's hard to beat feeling like the most pathetic girl on the face of the planet, only to strap on your hand wraps and out-punch all the fake macho guys at the speed bags next to yours. And I don't even wear real gloves!

Really, though, life has been a blur of stress lately. I have been neglecting normal life and socialization, to an extent, just to make sure I can barely fit it all in. Even as I write this, I am taking time away from the homework that I desperately need to finish. And time from being with my friends that are visiting. And time from sleep, and sanity.

Balance. I'm just not sure it really exists. How can you be the perfect amount of busy? It is always too much, too little, too crazy making in some way. I fear boredom, so I fill up my time with friends and meetings and work. I also fear falling behind. I am a mess, but nothing is new there.

I'm not sure this post has a point, in essence. I have wanted to be reflective and sad and quiet for a few days now, especially with the weather, but I haven't had much time for that. Or, any time. It's day 2 today, aftermath. The aftermath of being slapped in the face by someone who couldn't care less about me. I am so tired of that. So tired of being treated like there is a sign on my forehead that says "Please, use me, mess with me, then humiliate me, because I just love it." That's a long tattoo...but regardless, I keep getting hurt. And you know what? The common denominator in all of this is ME. I leave myself open to meeting people and wanting friendship or dating or whatever the frick it is, and I keep getting punished for it. I finally managed to be open, inviting, whatever it is that I am supposed to be doing, and I keep getting hurt because of that choice.

I'm just...frustrated! And sad. I'm sad-rated. Just, exhausted of the whole thing. I don't play the game or whatnot, but my honesty and willingness to invest in people leaves me ready to be stepped on like crazy. Wouldn't you feel bad leading someone on? I certainly would. I get the excuse that some may not be aware of their actions...but I know that these ones, they have been. Maybe I should stop believing people, believing in people, listening to their words.

But...part of me just CAN'T stop believing in fairytales.