20

20.

Two. Zero.

I've lived 2 decades on this Earth without great consequence. I can't say that I've really changed anyone, that I know of, though I haven't stayed exactly the same either. At all, really. I've gone through the paces more than I've had happiness, and rutinization has become routine at times in my life. With only those 2 decades of life and experience under my belt, I have felt more and seen more than some people will see in their long lifespans. Even then, I often am stricken with how little I know of the world, how naive I have managed to stay. It's a rarity, that naivete, and a quality I actually like in myself. I feel like a unicorn. Not really, but you get the point. I'm unusual. "Genuinely quirky", as one friend says, awkward, a ball of energy, enthused about life. That's me. At the ripe old age of 20 years old, I am strongly these qualities more than I have ever been.

I've been called old a lot in the past 24 hours. 20...it's a birthday I have dreaded for years. It's not that I actually think I am elderly in any way, though a potent combination of exhaustion and hard work makes me feel quite aged sometimes. It's more the symbolism of adulthood that really affects me, the idea that true maturity has to set in and responsibility is my number one priority. I'm mature, I'm good at being on top of things and being productive, but... I'm scared, really. I'm scared of growing up. Though reality and the pains that life often brings are no strangers to me, it's hard to imagine that I must soon face that pain head on, that I must live with it, unable to escape under the umbrella of the teenage years or hope for the future. My future is now, really. My life is being determined...I use passive voice for a reason. I feel like I am in too much, too complete, control, but have no control. What a disgusting contradiction, and I can barely attempt to explain it. All I can really explain is that...I don't know what my future holds, but for whatever reason, this feels like the biggest turning point in terms of age, like the beginning of the rest. This new decade is a reminder that change is the state which I live in, not something to fear, and that waiting for my big bursting out moment to stumble upon me...it's just a fantasy.

I can't live in fantasy. My life is there for the taking, with all the hard work I will need to do. So, for some, 20 means the "in between birthday". For others, it means getting older and having to be the adult they never wanted to be. For others still, it means that the party rolls on, and 20 is just a stepping stone to fabulosity. For me, it is all of those things, but not one sums it all up. This birthday means the end of my being able to say that I am lost, that I have time. It means that now. Now. Is the time to take control and determine my life to be as I wish. Take control over what I can control.

Yeah, I wish it were that easy. But ease...that's never gonna be my style.