BUcket List

Boston.

The city of my dreams. My home, and no home for me at all. My city in the clouds, I suppose you could say.

This city, this school, this life that I have...it could be gone for me by September. The hard fact is, I don't know where I will be. While I know that I am at peace with whatever happens, writing this as a reality and not as a hypothetical causes me indescribable pain. I have worked so hard for the life I have here, and leaving it all for something I don't know and for a whole new life to build...it scares me more than I can convey with words swiftly typed.

In all of this, I know that the one thing that would destroy me more than change is a pile of regrets. If I have to leave, I will not leave with things left undone, with a partial experience left to dangle like cut rope. I will live my life beyond the good or acceptable; I will live my life to the 98%. Though we can't guarantee perfection, I must get everything I want from my life now, or risk piecing apart my soul with my departure.

So, here it is. A written record of everything I must do here, be it in the next 2.5 months or in the next 2 years. I put this public and concrete to keep myself true.

Deep breath, dive in, nothing to regret.

1. Dance. Whenever I feel like it, wherever I feel like it. On the street or in the elevator.

2. Voice my opinion. Coffee and Conversation? When asked in the WRC? In class? Don't hold back. Be kind, but be totally honest.

3. Let my energy flow. Don't EVER temper my enthusiasm for the smallest conversation. I laugh all the time and I get excited over nothing, and nothing should stop that.

4. Tell him. Ya know, him. The many "hims" that I have never told. Tell the one from freshman year that I am more than just flattered when he flirts with me. Tell the hotshot him that no matter what has made him the way he is, he can't make me feel bad. Tell the class mate that I miss him and his shoulder, and that he has to remember who's important. Tell the new one that even though he was upset before, we should still get coffee.

Tell them all.

5. Fight for what I REALLY think. If someone is sexist, call them out. If you think that something is stupid or hurtful, say something.

6. Push forward the kindness. There is no point in hurting someone else, even unintentionally. Words are weapons, and it is worth the work to keep a reminder to be kind, sweet, or whatever it is that translates well, always.

7. Embrace my own lack of mystery. I'm always so disgruntled that I'm not cooler, better at "with holding the love", or less available. But really, that's just who I am-uncool, spazzy, hyper at times. I'm together in a general sense, but day to day, I ooze enthusiasm. And, so what? I love people. I have gone through so much, and the fact that I can live every day just excited to be on the planet is pretty remarkable. So, my job: embrace that.

8. Push my ambition. I want so much out of life, yet I often have some sort of introversion that keeps me from chasing what I want. That's stupid and I know it. I have to go after my life, not hope that it finds me.

9. Calm down on the sarcasm. It can easily become scathing, and that's not who I am.

10. Meet people. Yes, I know, one of my strange quirks is that I don't like meeting new people. Which is, in fact, ridiculous. If there was ever a time when it was not hard and most beneficial to meet people, college would be that time. So, even if it feels futile, introduce yourself. You never know what can happen. It's always good to "know a guy".

11. Work hard. Work harder. Study in the way that works. Self handicapping is just a way to stand in the path of your own goals. I have goals. Quite a few, and when I pick which one I want, I will have success only with hard work.

12. And speaking of goals...though it's hard, figure them out now. Really. Change is stimulation, and though trying to choose your life all at once seems a bit tremendous, you can do it. It's really the only time to do it, when the decision making piece of your brain is saying GO.

13. Learn to trust people. I have the confidence and the personality, all you need is the wall to break down just a bit. I'm unattainable for all the wrong reasons.

14. Organized, professional, on top of things. All these things make me feel awesome. I let them slip, though. Don't. Be the CEO of your own life? That's a phrase, right? Well literally...manage. I need to manage myself. Or watch the chaos unfold.

15. Butterflies. Try to remember what it feels like to have butterflies in your stomach. Get them back? I'm not sure how much I can control that but...it's nice to feel, is't.

16. This blog. Writing. Let's return.