Rambling

Last night, I was crying before I fell asleep to "Everything Will be Alright" by Joshua Radin, which is certainly the best song to fall asleep to when it's been a day for crying. I was crying because my grandmother has gotten more sick and because I had had an exhausting, overwhelming day thinking about my future...and trying to fix my grades. To be honest, I didn't do a plentiful amount of deep thinking, but when I got up this morning, I did start thinking about how much our pasts really, truly shape us.

And it certainly varies. 

I remember when I had my first real crush on a guy since like fifth grade. I was his confidante for a while, and I remember thinking, wow, his crazy home life is sort of like mine, to a lesser degree. And I listened to him and all of his worries...and when he dumped me like a load of dirt, I just thought, well I went through the same, if not worse, than him growing up, and I'd never do this to anyone. 

My point is, how you treat people in your current life can be affected by your past life, but you do have some control over it. I was taught to be incredibly polite and think of "others before self", and I have really absorbed that...I am such a worrier, and I thank everyone I know profusely. But I can also be loud and assertive and try to work for myself when I need to. So I guess life is just about editing, really actively editing, what influences you. I don't think that you can float through life like a leaf on a river, just hoping that you're turning out alright. You gotta be careful about what you invite in your life and who you are becoming. My mom told me that since I had gotten to college, I had seemed to have gotten more selfish and more materialistic...and I realized she was right. And once I had truly seen that, I decided I needed to fix it because that isn't the person I want to be. So I am not going shopping for a long while ;)

But really, I'm just trying to say that...don't use your past as an excuse for your actions. Anyone can become the person they want to be. That is never unattainable. People seem like they lose hope sometimes, that they'll never be totally the person they would like to be...but that's just not true. Am I talking in circles? Sorry if I am. I just want people to like themselves! Seriously. 

Sigh.