And the Gray Glows to White

Revelation: Noun. something revealed or disclosed, esp. a striking disclosure, as of something not before realized.

I feel as if I knew it all along. Today's lightning bolt, fueled by unusal caffeine and usual knowledge seeking, felt familiar as soon as it hit. It was the closest thing to a healing burn that I could imagine-I was scarred and spurred and struck, all at once, all in the same moment.

"The rest of my life." A daunting phrase, that also carries the possibility of such incredible comfort. A path not taken may be an adventure, but it is also a frightening unknown. For someone who likes control, planning, predictability, and those things well thought-out, it took someone impulsive and spontaneous conversation to finally figure out that my life could be truly different from what I pictured, different from what anyone pictured. I have had two rules for myself, always: do good for someone else, and love it. Love it to the core of its being and to your own soul.

What was incredible about the discovery itself, besides that it was completely unexpected, was the company to which it was shared. My mom has always been my most trusted confidante, and to receive such generous and enviable support from people who aren't even related to me-that is amazing. Not only did they temper my stunned silences with exclamations of excitement, they were able to take in stride what I could not. They were able to recognize how GOOD it is that I was able to discover something huge about myself and my future. They get it-the risks, the fear, how hard it would be, everything. They were able to bundle all of this together with the fact that it was clear: this work makes me so happy, feel so amazing and productive and strong, and nothing could be more worth risking than whatever it takes to continue those feelings. I am in love with everything I feel in this, and to be seen for that bit, a bit that is more of an undercurrent than a loud declaration-that's all we really want in a friend, truly. To be seen, to be mirrored. Jess and Cara: thank you.

The other thing, above how different this could make my path in life, is the fact that I have suddenly found things I care deeply about that I would never have expected. Community? Interaction? Belonging? All important, vital factors to self actualization, yes, but to devote so much to making this happen for others...I just never thought I'd care. But I care. I care immensely, truly, madly, deeply. I have fallen for these ideas and ideals.

None of this would have even happened without my partner in crime. I owe him a hug in thanks and an apology for never giving him a chance before. I think we owe it to each other, really.

So, in a way I would have never expected, at the middle of college, I am embarking on a new stage of this strange and awkward thing I call my life. Usually, when I change something big, I find myself being afraid of...something. I find I am often admitting fear at any crux, basically. This time?
Not so scared.

I can't imagine anything I could lose that wouldn't be worth reaching my dreams.

My...dreams.