Excitatory

"By investigating how someone got somwhere, we are more likely to see the achievement as hard-won and our chances as more plausible." All these amazing people with their accomplishments, these people I am surrounded by, these people that intimidate me thoroughly...they were in my place too. They just had the confidence to overcome it.

As I sit in my office at work, I find myself overcome with anxiety over my future for the rest of the year. So much of what will happen to me lies in chance, lies in the hands and whims of people that don't know me personally, or my story. I keep typing applications and filling out forms, feeling a tiny bit of my sanity slip away with each submission. Each means weeks of worry and realizations that something could have been stated better. Each one requires an immense amount of confidence in myself, trusting that these things are all worth it and that my value will transmit on paper. It's absolutely crazy-making. The idea of leaving BU, where I am settled, established, and doing it all over again somewhere new is overwhelming. It has become the unthinkable, in a very mild way. I just can't give it space in my mind to live.

Thankfully, I don't have to. Well, with the UCs clamoring for information via inbox, I do have to..but, I am suddenly and blessedly busy with the world that I am wrapped up in here, and I don't have one giant storm cloud in my thoughts at all times. Never having a free moment can be a true gift, especially to one such as myself. Or, as my infamous rival once said "I love people with brains like yours. They move so fast, you can't even keep up." So true, frenemy, so true.

So, these days pass quickly and slowly. I feel like I am throwing out more paradoxes than I should, and I apologize, but I guess that's another feature of my brand of cranium. I wish I could say I have it all figured out, but I am my a work in progress, and I know approximately 5% of that everything. Maybe less. I'm just doing my best and putting faith in my unknown, that my life will turn out as it is meant. What nerves, she said. What nerves, indeed.

The sky deepens out of my office window as these snow flurries do as they must. I love that word, flurries, and I love the weather that it connotes. Gray, soft clouds leave wispy white trails in their wake. Less messy than rain, more beautiful than a storm. They're the perfect in between for a warmer winter day. And, in the end, they calm my restless soul.