Office Space

"True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. " ~Dave Tyson Gentry

That is my favorite quote about friendship, since awkward silences are such a large part of my existence, it seems. I have spent years grappling with the void that is silence, if I should fill it or let it be, think more or speak more...and a friend really is someone I can say everything to, yet can say very little because that is all that I need, their understanding transcends language.

Friends are a slippery sort of thing to understand, I suppose. They are obligated to do nothing and everything all at once, and the way we see ourselves is reflected and dramatized to an incredible degree in the friends that we choose. If I may be flip, I choose attractive, confident friends because I believe myself to be attractive and confident. In all seriousness, however, I must admit to doing something unkind to every friend that I allow in my closer confidence. I will admit it here and, perhaps, never again, and this is to be taken with utmost weightiness.

In the office that is my brain canals, I file. I file my friends and put them into categories. I apply post its to them, write notes in their margins, and keep detailed scribblings on our relationship like some insane executive assistant (a secretary, to those who never moved past the 1970s political correctness movement.) I would never say that I prioritize my friends, or assign them labels past "acquaintance" and "friend", which is an important difference.

But I do annotate, and with great attention and frequency.

For you see, I must adjust myself in accordance to the friend, for we are not all alike.

Some notations make me a little sadder than others. "Unreliable" or "too busy for own good" usually means that I must not expect plans or much attention from this person, though I love them for the time they can give. "Gossipy" means my confiding slips must be kept to a minimum. "Immature" means that I must dismiss much of their behavior upon observance.

There are good notes, of course. "Amazing listener" means that I have found a kindred soul with whom to ponder life. "Protective" is a newer one for me, and one I am coming to appreciate more and more, as having someone go out of their way to ensure your safety and comfort is very high on the list of being accepted fully and with love. "Inclusive" is one I feel safe to say I give a majority of my friends, for I only keep files on people I have in my life, and I choose not to keep those that take away from me...in the cabinet. That's a self saving method I have learned recently, and it has made me even more grateful for the files...the friends...that I have now.

Usually, I don't openly admit my inspiration for an entry, no matter how transparent it might be. I feel that a reader seeing my process disrupts from the thoughts of the content itself, but for this entry, I must digress from this pattern. I was inspired by a friend tonight, appropriately enough. I name no names, but this friend...it's been a very interesting and rapid friendship curve from the beginning of the school year. I saw in this person a great desire for a friend and confidante, and I am always happy to oblige someone who wants that. Friend A has proven to be an amazingly good friend in every way, save for one, which I have just recently realized. Friend A is entirely too busy to live A's own life without complete insanity, so having friends is another addition to the madness. I am learning to not be upset about cancelled plans, not sigh over the inability to hang out in any reasonable manner, but accept the amazing person for who they are and savor the moments I get. And to stay busy myself, as to not feel completely misused, like some sad Troll doll.

And, above all, I am thankful for the gift of each person, for whatever gifts they each give to me. I hope that I give back to them in the best ways.