Lessons

I am quite relieved...happy, even. Yesterday, on my walk home, I talked to my mom and told her that "the plan" had changed, that my life seems to be going in a different direction than I had anticipated. She was upset for maybe 3 minutes, but she could tell that I had really given this a lot of thought and I am not acting on impulse. She was quickly supportive and said that she trusted me and my decisions...which brings me to my topic.

I was talking with a friend yesterday about arranged marriages. She was saying that she has a good relationship with her parents, but she'd never want them to pick out a husband for her. I actually surprised myself by disagreeing, saying that I wouldn't mind if my mom did that for me, because she really does want my happiness above her own, and she knows me very well and would choose someone truly good for me.

Not that I am entering into an arranged marriage. God forbid I commit to anything for life.

We all need people to give us support, solid, real support in our lives. I've always relied on my mom to give that to me, because she always does, even if it's not immediate. However, I've also started looking elsewhere for support, like to my closest friends. I always used to see getting help as a weakness, like I couldn't be independent enough to resolve something on my own, but now I am slowly teaching myself that letting people in and asking them to give you what you can't give to yourself is a very good thing to do. It allows for people to care about you, and thus caring leads to more caring. I have interesting logic, I guess. I don't know that anyone is quite as strong headed as me, or as fiercely independent and reliant on freedom.

But I'm learning.

I'm learning to trust.

I'm learning to love more openly.

I'm learning to let my heart take risks.

I'm learning to not let hurt, or the fear of being hurt, stop me from embracing life.

I'm learning to let you in. 

Concernment

I'm worried.

Please, the "nothing new there" comments are unnecessary. I know that I worry a lot more than a lot of people, and a lot less than many others... I have plenty of reasons to be worried. This one? Well, usually I am pretty nonspecific in my blog. But I need to get this OUT of me, before I explode, and it's kind of late in California and...it's messy is all. I have to tell my mom that I don't want to be what she wants, that I have changed my entire life path and I know that it is going to disappoint her and that...scares me. More than anything in the world, I want my mom to be proud of me, but I can not keep doing something I no longer love and I no longer want to do. I used to be so passionate about medicine, but I have learned a lot in college, including the fact that I would probably make a great doctor. I have the toughness, the memory, the compassion, and the drive. It just isn't what I want anymore, period, and that's the full truth. I'm just worried about telling her, and I want to do it NOW and get it the frick over with, but at the same time, I'd much rather tell her face to face, which won't be possible until spring break. I guess I'm just antsy, especially when I talk to her on the phone and I feel that I am about to burst because I want to tell her, but feel so overwhelmingly guilty and scared. I love my mom, and we have a really strong and special bond, and letting her down...well the thought of it makes me want to cry. And I know that I am making the right choice for myself, but I also love my mom and don't want to hurt her, ever. It's like my heart is ripped absolutely in two. And I am sick of having that feeling. 

Song for this: "Say" by John Mayer

Adrift

I am totally lost in myself. I don't know what I want anymore, and that is the most honest expression of what I feel right now. My mom doesn't really believe that, or me, but I am so lost and confused. I used to know what I wanted, 100%, with total surety. Now, my life feels like one introspective song lyric, and I am utterly lost in my own brain. I'm not scared any I need guidance...I hate admitting weakness or asking for help but I see that I need that now.

And all the I really know for sure? 

I want to help people. That's it. 

This isn't how I saw my life going, and this is throwing me through a loop. I can't just rely on myself anymore...it's dizzying how much has changed. I'm exhausted. 

But most importantly? I'm ok. And that's all that matters, one day at a time..or something.

Cliff Faces

"Viruses never really hit us at convenient times."

Convenience doesn't even begin to describe it. I got sick this week, really sick, almost felt like deathly ill at times, still not over it, life altering illness disgustingness. This charming sickness "happened to coincide" not just with my daily life, but with three exams, my tour guide training, classes...it has not been fun, especially the nights when I don't get to sleep because I am coughing so much. 

But if I can be this sick, and still force myself to work hard and do alright...well maybe. Just maybe, I can do anything. 

I guess all of the stuff that has seemed to be an obstacle these past several months (and continuing forward) is making me stronger...which I didn't know I needed but I guess I never asked for my life to be easy. Sometimes I feel like I sign myself up for challenges, like some sort of addiction. And that brings me to my love (or whatever) themed point...sometimes, what we choose, who we choose, is the most difficult choice. There's a saying that you can't help who you like, and I think that that is true to some extent, but I think there is certainly choice involved in who you let drop as a crush and who you truly want in your life for the long haul, and those choices don't always make...sense. I was just talking to one of my best friends, saying how I baffle myself in that I am one of the happiest, most optimistic people I know, yet every boy I have had a vested interest has been so friggin ANGSTY. I'm gonna go ahead and say it's not the opposites attract thing, because I def have my stressed and anxious side. It's more of the fact that I like to find the deeper commonalites, which are stronger than how we act on the surface. 

It's just me, asking for more challenges. And that's what I want?

And that's what I want.

Relief

This has nothing to do with love, or my continuing sickness, or anything pressing that's been on my mind.

This has to do with the rain.

It' s rainy season in California once more. Let me re phrase. It's torrential downpour, flash flood inducing, drenching monsoon season in California. It's when the hills and homes around my own slide right off their own foundations and crash into the valleys below. It's when you hydroplane on your drive home, and you can barely breathe for the amount of rain soaking you to your bones.

It's fantastic.

When the first rains come, it feels like a huge sigh of relief by the actual state. The rain is a welcome respite from the constant, insufferable desert heat waves, intensified by insanity-causing winds and ravaging forest fires that wipe out entire zip codes, entire life histories. Rain is the "oh finally". It may seem extreme to be begging for a flooded lawn and a river for a street. 

But.

The rain in California is like nothing else. It isn't freezing cold, and it doesn't painfully pelt you. It doesn't turn to hail (often) or snow, and it lasts for days and days. Often, we get incredible lightning storms that stay in one place and light up the sky for hours on end. Those are my favorite. The day before I moved to college, I heard thunder clapping outside my window and rushed outside. The air was softly whispering around me, like it was promising rain soon....soon...

I looked up over the adjacent housetops to see streaks of yellow electricity, just for a split second, crack open the inky sky, exposing every wisp of cloud up there. My mom had heard me go outside and joined me, and we stood there for an hour and a half, silently marveling at the lightening that was lighting up the night. It's enchanting, these storms. The rain started to fall ever so softly...and I could feel it...that nascent sigh of relief, almost too quiet to hear saying "oh, finally...the water comes...oh, finally"

I miss that. Watching that rain come, watching it blanket the dead earth and giving the land something to hope for...it's not something you get to experience just anywhere.

Sparks

I LOVE realizations...I am absolutely the most oblivious person you will ever meet, so when I finally put things together that were apparently very obvious to others...well, I'm totally excited. 

To me, a lot of love is made up of realizations. Even in long term relationships, marraiges, partnerships, realizations are...or should be, there all the time. Each day, perhaps we realize that we love the other person for some new reason. Or there's a realization that feelings have changed, but not necessarily in a bad way, just that change is there and love can still exist amidst that. Whatever the realization, I think they are so important. They are "magic" we can still access in this day and age. The most magical of these moments, is, of course, when we realize that we are cared about or loved or desired....that has to be one of the best feelings in the world. As I said in the previous post, I have very little experience with all of this love business, but from what I know+my "wisdom"+the very many tidbits I have garnered from friends over the years, I know that this feeling is incredible. It's like being on top of the world but with a warm feeling behind it that doesn't fade very easily. Even if things don't go well with the person, their desire for you at some point still remains. 

And that, as my roommate would say, is just very nice. 

It's Been A Year

This post comes after a long hiatus involving Christmas vacation, insane traveling issues, getting back to school, and forgetting my username for a week. 

I am currently listening to the namesake for this post's title, "It's Been a Year" by Greg Laswell. He is one of my favorite artists, and if you like very chill music with sweet, unassuming lyrics (that aren't so sappy as to make you want to barf), you should listen to him. 

Sappiness. Already in the air, as Valentine's Day fast approaches. If you know me well, you know that I absolutely LOVE holidays, with my birthday being my favorite (29 days till age 19!). But I hate Valentine's Day, and making me talk about it will elicit a blast of energetic hatred similar to anything Julia Stiles says in 10 Things I Hate About You...before she is eventually converted by the magnificence that is Heath Ledger (RIP). I have no such hope of being converted at any point...but let's not get into that. 

But on the subject of love, or all things romantical...well, that's my topic right now. I am planning on talking about something love related for every post in February...in an atypical fashion. This time I'd like to talk about romance.  

A lot of girls, after watching hour upon hour of unrealistic romantic comedy, seem to think that romance is in the grand gestures. Wait. Let's define romance...I am talking about how a guy shows a girl that he cares about her...romantically, or at least to more than verymuch friends and only friends.. Anyways, some people wait for the big gestures, and there are a few who have relationships where the guy can ONLY show his affection in that way. Not healthy. Being totally unable to show affection is bad too, as evidenced by the many married couples who face a total loss of passion a decade or so into their marriages. So are we looking for the mean, the median, the middle? (You can tell that I just wrote a paper about Aristotle, Mr. Happy Medium)

Well, in my opinion...nope. There is no medium. There is nothing perfect. Some girls must wait for a guy who will bluntly holler their undying devotion to them amidst rose petals and Sinatra crooning. Other girls will settle for the implicit knowledge that they are loved, and they are so secure in that , they need nothing else. I guess it's totally personal. For me, what I want is the tiniest gestures...the very personal, nontraditional ones. I've had very little experience with romance, I'm going to be honest about that, but in what I have had....it's just the most personal things. It's knowing that someone took a risk, even a little one, just for you, just to make you a little bit happier or to encourage you to not be so afraid yourself. It's the small knowledge that someone cares, even a little bit, or maybe a lot. I don't think you need to be in love with someone to still care about them, or to want something good for them. To me, romance is in the subtle sweetness, the knowledge that someone is taking care of you for just a moment.

But that's just me. 

Meanwhile...I am back to motivationland! This is evidenced by the fact that this post is a quick study break from studying cell organelles for bio...and it's a friday night...and I'm in the library. I do, unsurprisingly, feel as if I am having my life force sucked out of me. As my friend Jess would say, no big deal.