Sparks

I LOVE realizations...I am absolutely the most oblivious person you will ever meet, so when I finally put things together that were apparently very obvious to others...well, I'm totally excited. 

To me, a lot of love is made up of realizations. Even in long term relationships, marraiges, partnerships, realizations are...or should be, there all the time. Each day, perhaps we realize that we love the other person for some new reason. Or there's a realization that feelings have changed, but not necessarily in a bad way, just that change is there and love can still exist amidst that. Whatever the realization, I think they are so important. They are "magic" we can still access in this day and age. The most magical of these moments, is, of course, when we realize that we are cared about or loved or desired....that has to be one of the best feelings in the world. As I said in the previous post, I have very little experience with all of this love business, but from what I know+my "wisdom"+the very many tidbits I have garnered from friends over the years, I know that this feeling is incredible. It's like being on top of the world but with a warm feeling behind it that doesn't fade very easily. Even if things don't go well with the person, their desire for you at some point still remains. 

And that, as my roommate would say, is just very nice. 

It's Been A Year

This post comes after a long hiatus involving Christmas vacation, insane traveling issues, getting back to school, and forgetting my username for a week. 

I am currently listening to the namesake for this post's title, "It's Been a Year" by Greg Laswell. He is one of my favorite artists, and if you like very chill music with sweet, unassuming lyrics (that aren't so sappy as to make you want to barf), you should listen to him. 

Sappiness. Already in the air, as Valentine's Day fast approaches. If you know me well, you know that I absolutely LOVE holidays, with my birthday being my favorite (29 days till age 19!). But I hate Valentine's Day, and making me talk about it will elicit a blast of energetic hatred similar to anything Julia Stiles says in 10 Things I Hate About You...before she is eventually converted by the magnificence that is Heath Ledger (RIP). I have no such hope of being converted at any point...but let's not get into that. 

But on the subject of love, or all things romantical...well, that's my topic right now. I am planning on talking about something love related for every post in February...in an atypical fashion. This time I'd like to talk about romance.  

A lot of girls, after watching hour upon hour of unrealistic romantic comedy, seem to think that romance is in the grand gestures. Wait. Let's define romance...I am talking about how a guy shows a girl that he cares about her...romantically, or at least to more than verymuch friends and only friends.. Anyways, some people wait for the big gestures, and there are a few who have relationships where the guy can ONLY show his affection in that way. Not healthy. Being totally unable to show affection is bad too, as evidenced by the many married couples who face a total loss of passion a decade or so into their marriages. So are we looking for the mean, the median, the middle? (You can tell that I just wrote a paper about Aristotle, Mr. Happy Medium)

Well, in my opinion...nope. There is no medium. There is nothing perfect. Some girls must wait for a guy who will bluntly holler their undying devotion to them amidst rose petals and Sinatra crooning. Other girls will settle for the implicit knowledge that they are loved, and they are so secure in that , they need nothing else. I guess it's totally personal. For me, what I want is the tiniest gestures...the very personal, nontraditional ones. I've had very little experience with romance, I'm going to be honest about that, but in what I have had....it's just the most personal things. It's knowing that someone took a risk, even a little one, just for you, just to make you a little bit happier or to encourage you to not be so afraid yourself. It's the small knowledge that someone cares, even a little bit, or maybe a lot. I don't think you need to be in love with someone to still care about them, or to want something good for them. To me, romance is in the subtle sweetness, the knowledge that someone is taking care of you for just a moment.

But that's just me. 

Meanwhile...I am back to motivationland! This is evidenced by the fact that this post is a quick study break from studying cell organelles for bio...and it's a friday night...and I'm in the library. I do, unsurprisingly, feel as if I am having my life force sucked out of me. As my friend Jess would say, no big deal. 

Float On

Forgive the Modest Mouse-stolen title, but I couldn't think of anything more fitting.

Does something so utterly perfect and lovely ever happen to you that your mood can't be ruined for a long, long time? I'm one to love letting go of anger and hating losing happiness...I'll do anything to hold onto good feelings, sometimes too much so. I feel like I am do not happen upon just nice, unblemished happiness very often...it's often from the littlest things, but we all deserve to feel bliss from time to time, and to hold onto it for as long as possible. Because, really, with all the crap that goes on in the world...we need more happy people. "Happy people are good. Happy people make me happy."

I really am in quite a mood.

Ok....Go!

Motivation.

It's one of those strange, kind of immaterial things...you either have it or you don't, in every situation in your life. I have motivation to do things that will get me absolutely nowhere in my life, like cook for myself instead of microwaving, and motivation to write this blog. Nothing even coming close to important do I have motivation for....I'm one of those people that needs to have an inner change to finally be motivated. I'm incredibly motivated to get good grades this coming semester....not because the pre med department or my mom is telling me to, but because I saw my work and I felt something move within me, that I suddenly knew I needed to work really hard and do my best. 

I think it's also funny to think about what people have motivation for and what they do not. I have friends who are very motivated to have fun but never to do their work, and vice versa...living in the extremes is never good. I also feel like fear, in some ways, can be another form of laziness....you have a fear and are too lazy or unmotivated to take a risk and overcome your fear. Overcoming a fear is definitely an effort, but sometimes I truly wonder how much it will take for some people to let go of all their fears and chase what they truly want....time will tell, I suppose.

Stuck

It's Sunday night and I am still in Boston. I love this city, but I was supposed to be home yesterday, and now I am just weary of the "blowing snow mist" and incredibly ready to be home and be away from Logan Airport for a significant amount of time. When my flight got messed up on Saturday, calling my mom was so hard. Leaving the airport was like ripping myself away from what I have been anticipating for so long. Part of why I came to Boston was to get away from my old life, and now I am totally ready to get back to the semblance of it for the holidays. I was trying not to cry all last night, and this morning I actually woke up at 3am to go to the airport to see if there was any surprise availability. There wasn't, and I was so sad..and then all of a sudden, I told myself to get OVER it. I'm not the only one who got stuck in the snowstorm, not by a long shot, and being home a day and a half later isn't really a big deal. I guess I was just not handling disappointment with much maturity. But now I feel better, and I managed to make friends with two security guards and a convenience store worker..thus, all is not a total loss.

I can't say that being home won't be great, though. I can sleep all I want, and hang out with my loyal follower aka my puppy. I'll have time to actually breathe (unlike thanksgiving) and hang out with my friends...and eat my weight in fro yo. And I will come back to Boston, renewed and ready to kick semester 2's ass.

yes.

And the snow is absolutely beautiful....it covers the dirt and concrete and sparkles in the light. It mutes every noise and makes everything seem clean with its stark whiteness. 

And now I'm ready to leave it behind.

California, here I come

Almost

Gosh I love Snow Patrol...buy A Hundred Million Suns, their new album, if you haven't yet. Or I can burn you a copy of course.

Anyways...I'm going to be home on Saturday, for a truly significant amount of time. I can't honestly figure  out how I feel about this. There's excitement mixed with expectations mixed with apprehension mixed with a twinge of sadness. I left California for a reason, but I never expected to love Boston so immensely or to adjust so well, so quickly. I won't have a white Christmas, but the comfort in being around the familiarity of home is nice to anticipate. I traveled farther away from home than almost anyone I know, which is why it's nice to have a roommate in the same situation. I feel like part of the reasoning in being excited to go home is  that home is where we can truly be ourselves and we are most comfortable. But, truly, I feel totally at home right in my dorm at school, and I certainly haven't acted like myself. I guess I continue to be torn as to how to feel, but I am not afraid to admit that I am excited to come home for some relaxing with my oldest friends, if only for a little while.

Like my previous post, I continue to be fascinated with the snow. Tomorrow we are supposed to get a great proper snow, which is exciting for the Christmas season. With my school schedule stretching on so long, I feel like I've been able to have limited participation in the holiday time, which is hands down my favorite time of the year. My mom was telling me about the mini tree she bought, which is unusually festive on her part, so I'm excited to see that. Otherwise, it's just a push to get through my (horrible) calc final, and then some fun here before I ship off to 3 weeks of NOT THINKING in CA. 

I'm seriously looking forward to be able to sleep/eat/laugh etc without thinking about Chem 101 or calculus.... oh joy!

SNOW IS MAGICAL.

Oh my gosh, it truly is. It falls around you and you don't even notice the cold because there is this white blanket forming on all sides of you...it makes the world quieter and more peaceful, and it looks so pretty as it floats from the clouds. I love it.