I need a judge. Or God.

Decisions. Or, decision. I'm not really sure, but they continue to chase me, no matter if I get a few days of certainty stuck in there at some point. It's so tiring and frustrating..today, after barely sleeping, I feel like my head is actually going to explode. Like I have pressure in my head...it's interesting.

But

I have also been able to learn about myself in this whole process. Which is good, because just getting anxiety and an ulcer is seriously unproductive. I'm learning that I am always ready for a new adventure. I feel like I never really got the adventure I was looking for when I went off to college, though I moved across the country to a city I barely knew. I still made it familiar, which is what I needed at the time. But I need my adventure. I've been waiting my whole life for the chance to carve out a life story that is uniquely my own. One that I can look back on and tell people about, and have them be able to say, wow, you certainly have taken a winding path less traveled to get to....wherever I am. I want that, more so now that I have the opportunity. Being a doctor can give me the opportunity to keep having adventures and support myself and help people all at once, and that's still my goal. I guess I am just surprised at the deep feeling of adventure and spontaneity that I yearn for. So, with that in mind, I need to figure my next year out. I have a goal and I have a few choices. Now what? Well, I don't know. But I'm gonna get there. 

Just a blurb

You know how MLK had a dream? Well I do too. For myself, at least. And I'm willing to walk across the country and yell at people and fight until I get it.

Another Poem

I sigh at my watch in frustration

I had found another long lost time piece, only to discover another dead battery

I know that watch batteries are small, but must mine always be deceased?

Time is supposed to be one of those constantly constant things

It never changes, never stops moving

If we lose our sense of time, it is most disorienting

Jet lag is no joke

So why, why, must my time always be out of sorts?

Maybe my watches know me too well

*Note to Sophomore Year

I want to cry with how well I HAVE to do next semester. Why did this year kick my ass so badly? I just hope that I can hang on to my determination throughout the summer, because I will need to hit the ground running next year. Laziness is irrelevant.

Bangle

Last night, before going to dinner with the dreaded family, my mom called me into her bathroom. I figured it was to help her with a zipper or to ask if her hair looked nice. When I got there, she grabbed my hand and pulled a silver bangle bracelet, similar the gold ones she has been wearing for over 30 years, out of a little bag. She said "This is for you, you don't have to give it back," and with that, my face lit up in excitement. To most people, a thin bangle isn't really a big gift; it's pretty, but not very significant. To me, however, it's a huge deal. It's common in Middle Eastern culture for the women to start wearing thin bangles on one wrist starting around my age. They never take them off, and usually they are received as gifts. This has always been a part of my mom, to me, her bangles. They make a distinct noise and I can instantly recognize them, and I have always loved them. Recently, I have started to want them, and she would let me borrow at least one of hers to wear for a while, then return. They just make me feel closer to my heritage and to my mom. So, to finally receive a bangle of my own is pretty significant to me. She also made it my own by buying it in sterling silver, since I wear more silver jewelry than gold. I will treasure it and it's significance to me forever..and it is never coming off.

Happy Mother's Day.

Memories from This Year :)

Kellyisms 1."Oh look! A zebra! Let's shave it!" 2.It's only funny if it comes from the mouth of a Korean man 3.That's a legit beard. Look, you can braid parts of it. 4. They flip and they flop and they're flip flops. 5. Look at it! Look at the SHNOUT! 6. kelly: what? it smells like wood. me: THAT'S THE DOOR!! it smells like pot!! 7.About chem lab: It's like trying to solve a really hard non fun riddle! 8.Only Brazilian oranges are fat free!! 9. DAYUMM GIRL (damnn that soy sauce!) adventures in the dining hall 11.22.08 -THEY ARE NOT MANDALS. They are flip flops! They go flip and then flop! They're sandals and I wear socks with them, ok??? -I go flip and then flop but I'm not a mandal. -DO NOT. Briannnnne? -What? I flip AND flop. -Your mandals....FLIPFLOPS...are on me...agghh. -I wear socks and shoes. ;D 11.20.08 -HELLO!! -umm hi... .... I'll just sit down. -How're you tonight? We are in a band and we both go to BU! We just wanted to give you our flyers! -Oh ok cool thanks *all look at bear/frog looking drawings -Those are bears. Or frogs. He drew them! -I drew them! -So if you could just check us out on myspace... *still staring at tiny flyers* -Oh cool, they're cute. Oh you're playing tomorrow?! -Yeah!! If you like us a lot from myspace come check us out! We're just a cool band.. -Ok will do -Yeah we're just a bunch of guys who love to have a good time. BYE!! -uhhh. please can i quote that last thing they said for oh idk, all of eternity?? (later)...we were the only table they visited. -you sure? -we are the only ones with tiny flyers! -we could have been one of a couple tables -uh no. -yeah that's what I was afraid of... :D

PLUS: Hockey stalking...it will never end, the ridiculous conversations we have daily that I can't write down, SARAAAHHH.....

A Poem

I'm always ready for the worst. 

I am constantly preparing myself for the breath sharply taken in.

I'm bracing myself for the the break and the blink and the crack.

The sounds of a breaking heart, of disappointment falling on ears that refuse to hear it.

I have come to expect what I dread, each time, each time.

I am wearier than I care to acknowledge.

What if, this time, I get a brush from grace?

What if "better than perfection", better than dreamed of, becomes my unlikely reality?

Is giving that notion a space in my mind to live even worth it?

A little ray of light has no place among these ready battlements.

And as hope pushes its way in, I think, I don't think I can ever be ready for this to come true.